http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/jimmyboyhaha-grammerpolisecheif-collab
I wrote this with GrammerPoliseCheif. It's about cigarettes. Pls crit bby
blabbo
Criiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit
We need criiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit
Looking at you BiggHeaddddd
Dear reviewers: While you're at it help pick out a preferred title for this object, the list is at the bottom of the draft.
Right!
What I liked
It seems to portray Malthus in a more sympathetic light, which is already better than most Malthus stories.
The description is also quite detailed, and seems to be a reasonable biological substance. I have to say, good work!
Grammar And Tone
As usual, not explaining everything.
The industry is also to be urged to play up safety issues with the consumption of "knockoff cigarettes"
"exaggerate" works better, I suppose.
RPC-660 are cylindrical objects resembling cigarettes with typical cigarette dimensions of 70 - 94mm length and 10mm diameter. RPC-660 may possess variation of patterning along the brown section of its length2 that resemble stripes or mottles. In reality, RPC-660 is a fungal construct near-perfectly mimicking a cigarette.
I feel like combining these two sentences would help the grammar.
In terminal stage infection, RPC-660-1 breaks out in hives
Wait. RPC-660 flies out? I'm having a hard time visualizing this event.
An aggressive regimen of intravenous antifungals can terminate RPC-660 and possibly save the RPC-660-1.
I think finding more clinical replacements to this term could be beneficial.
I also recommend referring to the smoker of RPC-660 as "the subject" when not being referred to as "RPC-660-1" in the document.
Overall, not many criticisms here. Nice job!
Structure and Lore
The media wing of the Authority is to assist the World Health Organization
I suppose that would be part of "Containment", no?
Authority channels detected distressed calls from the hospital regarding an "unknown new infection".
There are probably a hundred similar diseases resembling RPC-660, and it's a bit unlikely that the conclusion that this disease is new would be arrived at with such haste.
By the way, it may be a good idea to split the interview log into two. Having an interview log that's too long may deter people from reading on.
I would also add a Malthus cross link.
Content
So, bioengineered fake smokes that, quite literally, kill people. I like this idea.
I would say that the part about people compulsed into being more likely to take 660 is a bit unnecessary and may cause people to dislike this article thinking "ugh another cliche".
Narrative
An insight into Malthus logic is certainly good, but it kind of "fizzles" when the Malthus agent talks about 2.0 and 3.0 without having any foreshadowing, nor having any "conclusion" to it.
I would explore the morals of Malthus' actions a bit further.
This is something that I'll like immediately, but probably forget about a week later. There's certainly nothing wrong with that. Something that I'll 4.
Done m8! Nice work Jimmy and Grammer!
One thing i see mentioned is the advanced state, could you mind expressing when it occurs? It takes a week for it to kill someone, so when abouts do they enter this advanced state?
Man, this was so tight i could only find that one thing to mention. Nice work you two
Once infection has reached the advanced stage however, elimination of RPC-660 accomplishes little as the former host now suffers from multiorgan failure and will swiftly expire post-recovery without extensive multiple organ transplants.
RPC-660 have has no visual and or smell-based compulsions towards non-smokers, and a non-smoker attempting to use a lit instance of RPC-660 becomes violently nauseated without becoming an RPC-660-1 instance, implying that spores require diseased lung tissue in order to grow.
a Houseman recording the patient's time of death began witnessing the corpse "sprouting cigarettes."
The period goes inside the quotation.
As well as this, further exploration within the hospital recovered ~200 paper documents, with heavy relations to the current GoI, The Church of Malthus.
Replace first part of sentence with "In addition to this" or remove the initial part.
Even to themselves, they, they chose to disguise the truth behind the consequence of using their mis-creations!
I'm assuming that the two theys is a mistake, but even if it's not, I still think having one they makes the sentence stronger.
Black: Don't give me that look, we have eyes and ears everywhere add comma just like you.
Modern solutions for modern problems!
I keked. Nice meme reference.
To those who have access to the interview: Do not ignore the threat, but remain skeptical. We will deal with RPC-660 and its hypothetical successors much like we have with many others before it.
I like how you don't let Malthus have the last laugh and allow the Authority a sort of counter argument of sorts. It helps keeps things balanced and get rid of any hopelessness the reader might have been feeling.
Overall, I really like this article. I had my doubts initially, but you managed to dispel them rather quickly. There are few grammatical errors, the writing is very clinical, and is generally well written.
I do have one point of contention though. I noticed that 660 has no way of moving around on its own. How does it spread around effectively? No one is going to take a cigarette from a decaying corpse, and since they can't move, they can't get into a more inconspicuous place. The only thing I could see would be Malthus planting them in areas, maybe using people as a farm, or collecting the 660 instances when the subject expires. If you feel that this is something you want to expand upon, feel free to do so. However, I think I can suspend my disbelief enough for this one nitpick.
Good work.
The period goes inside the quotation.
Wwwwell, where I come from British English says to do the opposite. I'll leave this as it is for now.
add comma
I'm… gonna have to pass on that one. For me, a comma implies a pause such as a moment taken to breathe. Black is still speaking the line within that one breath so technically it doesn't seem to warrant a comma to me.
I'm assuming that the two theys is a mistake, but even if it's not, I still think having one they makes the sentence stronger.
The two "theys" is intentional, what with Black running off his written lines from the top of his head, combined with getting a little unhinged what with getting worked into his dislike.
I keked.
You got the ref, lol.
I like how you don't let Malthus have the last laugh
It's sort of like a metaphorical game of chicken/poker, between both players both don't fully know what's in the other player's hand but both are just waiting for the other to slip up.
I do have one point of contention though.
Good point. My idea is that when a subject expires and rapidly produces a lot of RPC-660s, the body winds up getting smothered by small mountain of brand-new "cigarettes". If this is in some sort of public area smokers will be making off with a lot of the cigarettes (the cognitohazard effect) before someone finally notices the skeleton underneath. And we all know how smokers can have a tendency to start sharing cigarettes as well, right? The other point is to use 660 as a terror weapon; for the post-mortem effect to either horrify onlooking (and noninfected) smokers into quitting smoking, or if they're far gone enough to just start smoking what might as well be a pile of free cigs (the emotional hazard helps with this). And once the police wind up rolling around they're going to be taking as many 660s as they can find for "evidence"; but since there's so many visually-tempting "free samples" it would not be unsurprising that a smoking cop quietly pockets a few, also spreading it elsewhere.
