RPC-559 / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page RPC-559.

TheSkilledFox 19 Jun 2019 18:09

and that I needed worry about anything anymore.

Should that be “needn’t” instead of needed?

0ktober 19 Jun 2019 18:56

This article has a lot of grammatical issues. I fixed a couple of them but there are a lot more. There are also a lot of sentences worded very awkwardly. The actual story was uninteresting up until the end, where there was some good imagery and the glimmer of something intriguing, but it was too little too late for me.

Togetic 25 Jun 2019 07:49

The concept of the story you're doing is interesting, but I think fundamentally you've got the orders reversed on which document should be first, and this just straight up should not be an RPC document. It's out of date in-universe, refers to an entity that is no longer held by the authority and is in the hands of another organisation that they allowed to take it. It just shouldn't be on their lists anymore as a current entity. More in-depth thoughts under the collapsible.

SHOW TEXT

Beyond that, I feel like the dialogue has some issues that make it sort of clunky? For example

All stress from the debt that those student loans had packed into me was gone, and so were the worries about my grades in that university.

All my stress from those Student Loans, and Nondescript University are Gone. I feel No Worries about my Current Situation. It just feels really stilted as dialogue, like the reasons she was stressed could be swapped in or out for any other relatable life stress without any hassle.

RPC-559: I once heard one of those cultists state that the Authority worships Machina, the Engineer. So I want to know why you don't embrace the Radiant Joy.

This part is…. uh, very weird? "Hey i overheard that you worship a nihil god, why don't you like the other nihil stuff?" "Well, i'm no expert but you see, we worship him because he's god"

That's… really not how any discussion should go, especially not when talking to an anomaly. Are the entire authority part of the engineer cult? Is that what this implies, that every single employee is just part of the group that worships the engineer and no one isn't, and it's just fine to talk about it? It seems so strange

RPC-559: But existence is pointless unless you can enjoy it.

This is also strange, surely you'd be like "we can enjoy life without worshipping a seratonin god that kills you if you have enough of it" and not just… "i dunno, ask a scholar lol"?

For non-dialogue stuff:

Additionally, personnel within Site-014 suffering from depression, anxiety, or any trauma related mental illness can be allowed access to RPC-559's to assist in their recovery, with the express written approval of their assigned psychiatrist.

…why..? You say like, two lines later that

This effect has been known to cause brain damage, by forcing the subject's body to release a large amount of serotonin, in order to to bring joy to the subject. This effect has also been known to result in subjects to becoming addicted to conversing with RPC-559 if exposed multiple times.

It can just randomly give you brain damage and cause addiction, despite not actually helping depression or whatever beyond giving a shot of serotonin? This is like giving depressed staff shots of opium

The right side of A-559 has pieces of graphite with varying sizes impaled into its skin. This graphite has large traces of radioactive materials within it, making it extremely radioactive.

"This radioactive graphite is extremely radioactive"

More than that, it's a little hard to believe that parts of a nuclear reactor (?) could survive the nuclear detonation of site 14 and manage to, still in-tact, wedge themselves in an otherwise unharmed angel woman

While its not confirmed, its currently believed that if A-559 were to remove the control rod from its body it would enter a state of uncontrolled fission, culminating in a meltdown.

So… it could become a nuke? Wouldn't that achieve it's goal of murdering people pretty easily, and also isn't accounted for at all by it's current containment procedures?

Overall I think the idea sort of has potential, a relatively harmless anomaly becoming an irradiated death cultist via the explosion, but this doesn't pull that idea off as well as it could, and I can't in good conscience give it a better vote because of that

Last edited on 25 Jun 2019 07:50 by Togetic Show more