asgaerha
asgaerha
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» asgaerha
hello vitz, im alex
just 3 things
why burger king? can this anomaly affect other types of restaurants?, what about other that dont have that kind of playground
it should have the grouped hazard/extra-dimensional hazard/sentient hazards for a more consistent article
this is a personal one, but try to add some collapsibles to it
other than that, is a very fine and enjoyable article
cheers!
Transformation
That would be transmutation hazard, not transformation.
The RPC-214 instance is to be partially deconstructed in order to neutralize the anomalous effect. It can then be reconstructed.
Perhaps change it to "MST Uniform-2, must then partially deconstruct RPC-214 in order to neutralize its effects. Upon completion, the playset may then be reconstructed."
There are two distinct stages of an RPC-214 manifestation.
Perhaps change this to something like this "RPC-214 manifests in two distinct stages." Usually, in English, the idea of proper format is subject, verb, and object. Keep that in mind for future writings.
RPC-214 does not become lethal until the second stage; therefor, it is imperative that instances be found before they can reach that point. The first stage lasts 25 to 30 days. It begins with the internal structure of the play area becoming larger, increasing in size vertically and horizontally. Note that the exterior of the structure does not change in size or appearance.
Better to talk about the first stage first and then the second stage, in an order of chronology it would make more sense. It would also be better to introduce the dangers and description of the stages with the proper description you give later. Also, add an e to therfor.
They often contain structures
Avoid the use of they, it is informal in a scientific setting since it is using passive tone.
They have human-like heads, except upside down and with no eyes.
This feels like it is outside of a clinical tone. Much of the second half of the article is actually missing clinical tone, you may want to reorganize or rewrite the second half of the article. Or at least most of it, because you seem to restore your clinical tone later.
That is most of the problems I have, but overall I think it's an ok article. If this was on the site at its current state i'd give it a 3/5, but I might see it as a 4 with tone fixes and sentence fixes.
Dreams. Each man longs to pursue his dream. Each man is tortured by this dream, but the dream gives meaning to his life. Even if the dream ruins his life, man cannot allow himself to leave it behind. In this world, is man ever able to possess anything more solid, than a dream?
~Kentaro Miura
I quite like the object, but what about the narrative attached to it? I know there is that whole cannibal RPC-214-A battle, but that had noticeable issues in its tone. So I really don't know what to say about that.
Also, why just burger king? I honestly don't see how the fact that this only occurs in burger king restaurants matters to the narrative or theme of the article. So why bother mentioning it at all?
Finally, I think that it should have the grouped hazard, the extra-dimensional hazard, and the sentient hazards added to it. Since the RPC-214-A are just as much part of the article as the place that they live in.
But I presume that most, if not all, of these issues will be resolved in the final draft. Since this is probably unfinished.
Overall 3/5 A fine anomaly, but no notable story. Make sure to add a narrative to this before you upload.
Epic grammar time:
Containment:
"If anomalous behavior is found, it is to be reported to the Authority and MST Uniform-2 ("Tunnel Vision") is to be deployed to the location."
Where anomalous behaviour be found, the AuthorIty is to be reported and MST Uniform-2 ("Tunnel Vison") deployed at the location*. this makes it sounds more consistents and without the double "is"
" They are to partially deconstruct the RPC-214 instance in order to neutralize the anomalous effect" Neutralize its* anomalous effects.
Description:
"maze-like structure, meant to serve as entertainment for customers' children." I think its supposed to say costumer's, also, add a "the" before costumer's.
"The cramped, claustrophobic space makes it very difficult to traverse easily." this fells like it was added just because, it dosnt really add to the previous phrase, and one would alrady guess that a kids playground tube is hard to traverse.
Review time:
A pretty good article overall but there are 2 key things that would make this an absolute bomb
An exploration log inside on of the instances and an interview with a child who was trapped inside the maze for god knows how long surviving by eating chiken nuggets or some shit.
As i said, overall good and as of now it gets a +4,thou if you add one of those 2 things it gets a solid +5
/forum/t-12091601/asgaerha#post-