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RPC-004 / Discussion
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I don't understand this otherworldly language
This is my wacky forum signature. You laugh at how wacky it is. Such a perfectly absurd forum signature is exactly the type of thing to make you giggle. Your entire life: It's all been leading up to this moment. Reading my crazy forum signature. All these years, all your struggles have been worth it. It's all downhill from here. All downhill from JimmyBoyHaha's forum signature.
Thank you.
That's dedication to a persona schtick, I give him that…
I'm sorry, I have to lowvote this.
I get that the characters here aren't exactly poets themselves, so can be said to make sense that the poetry that is their primary form of communication is just… fucking bad. Loose and inconsistent connection to rhyme scheme, meter all over the place when it's present. It sounds like it was just written super quickly and then not edited later. It might be theoretically justifiable in-universe, but it's still actively painful to read.
The interactions between the characters seems a little overwrought too. Unnamed Criminal #1 is just fucking creepy, Jenny is just emo to the point of having no other definable personality, and…that's it. Almost the whole piece is filled with their expressions of feeling, and it just doesn't really build to much.
1/5. If the poetry was better, and the characters were more interesting, and the mechanism by which they interacted was better defined1, it might alter my opinion. But as is, there's just nothing here that works for me.
Footnotes
1. the statement "[t]he fluid will begin to spill off the page until only a small amount is left in the form of words" doesn't really express to me what exactly the fluid is doing; is it "forming" words on the page? is it scooting across the surface like a hydrophobic solution and making big bubble letters at each other? Does it work if someone's just holding one of the books in the air? Do they have to be on the same surface?
(account deleted)As I’ve already said on Discord, the Containment Protocols and Description lack necessary detail and they give information to the reader in a very weird, clunky order. The poetry was also subpar, with repetition of words and rhyming words with themselves in a few places.
Overall, this was a mediocre article.
First article I have read here, and I can safely say I liked it. Good job comrade.
This deserves more +5 ratings. I was not around for this contest but I can see why this won.
The dedication to consistently interestingly bad poetry throughout is commendable for its follow-through but it’s not more than a novelty lacking serious depth or substance.
Such is life in the Soviet Union
This is a really cool idea, having two people communicate via poetry on paper. There's a storyline contained in a formal article, something which i'm still struggling to do effectively.
The story appears to be about someone who traps Jenny inside of a book, or something like that, so she can only talk and live from inside that book. The trapper themselves also seem to have trapped themselves inside a book. Given that the trapper rhymes on purpose, and Jenny rhymes without wanting to, it might make more sense that the text from the trapper is more cryptic, smooth and overall 'nicer' to read. While definitely cryptic in some places, there are times where the trapper's lines are clunky and don't read smoothly. On the other hand, Jenny might speak in a less 'smooth' style, with lines that awkwardly rhyme only because she is forced to.
It's a +4 right now, but if the poetry was changed more to reflect the natures of the characters, this article would have an easy +5 from me.
Sincerely, 24ayn5
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