The children of Malphas
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/moistbread83
all criticism is appreciated
The children of Malphas
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» The children of Malphas
Summary:
pigeon bros in new york
MST Papa-1 "Beserkers" "Berserkers"
Hazards: Grouped Hazard, Sapient Hazard, Organic Hazard This is more of a personal preference than anything else, but maybe it would look better if you arranged the Hazards in alphabetical order.
RPC-514 is a species of avian humanoids bearing great resemblance to the biblical entity "Malphas" You should describe what Malphas is, as not all people will know. Put it in a footnote or something similar.
Assumed to be nesting grounds.
Authority personnel deconstructing RPC-514 nesting grounds You should make the second image bigger, as it's a bit difficult to see. Change it to width=400px.
the building will appear non-anomalous from the exterior, however it will have a noticeable lack of any interior infrastructure
-Researcher Jones Change this to be bigger and easier to see. Change it to [[size 250%]].
Overall, this is pretty good. However, the 9/11 bit feels a bit "shock for the sake of shock", but that's just me. It also feels a bit short, and there's a lot of things you could do with this. Maybe include a footage log of the RPC-514 instances attacking passerby. If this was on the mainlist, I'd give it a strong 4 to a light 5.
blabbo
Right! This is what the Chambers of Arbitrary Pastas were for!
Grammar And Tone
As usual, not explaining everything.
cooperation with local churches has rendered RPC-514 isolated to the island of Manhattan.
I think it may be best if the exact location of the churches are pointed out. It took me too long to figure out where local was.
Local religious authorities have agreed to continue efforts to definitively isolate RPC-514 to a smaller area, however this process is currently unsuccessful.
It just feels a bit strange, you know? Maybe it's just me. How about "Efforts to definitively isolate RPC-514 to a smaller area have been agreed to by religious authorities within Manhattan." The "unsuccessful" part can be left to the description, no?
Authority personnel are to be equipped with armaments specifically outfitted with religious symbolism , in order to abuse RPC-514's sensitivity towards said symbolism.
Strange spot for a comma. Maybe remove the comma?
and bare physical resemblance towards biblical demons.
I think it's "bear".
as the shareholders in these buildings refuse to allow Authority agents to remove RPC-514.
I think "have refused" would work a bit better.
Although RPC-514 instances nest like their non-anomalous counterparts,
Sentence could use some restructuring. How about "Although RPC-514 instances conduct in nesting,"?
It is unknown at this time how RPC-514 do such things that would be required to add to a building such as rewiring rooftop electronics, connecting air ventilation systems, and/or rerouting of water pipes.
Doesn't sound clinical enough, I suppose. Try "undertakes actions", see if it works.
When this process is fully completed, the building will appear non-anomalous from the exterior, however have a noticeable lack of any interior infrastructure in the areas that were added by RPC-514 instances.
Again, another misuse of "however". I think changing it to "but will" could help.
All in all, I have 2 things that I think you could do with the writing. First it to use a bit more passive voice, second is to use "however" properly. Good job nonetheless!
Structure and Lore
The structure generally works. It's not too hard to read and the flow of information is natural. I do think that a crosslink to Site-313 should be available since Site-313 seems to play a critical role.
The part about the materials of the nests could be formatted as a table, by the way. Have 3 examples, I suppose.
Content
RPC-514 is a species of avian humanoids bearing great resemblance to the biblical entity "Malphas"
You should describe what Malphas is, as not all people will know. Putting it in a footnote or something could help.
cooperation with local churches has rendered RPC-514 isolated to the island of Manhattan.
Given that 514 seems to be distressed under any and all religious symbols, why not have mosques be involved as well? If not, then specifying that 514 only hates Christian symbols might be better.
All instances of RPC-514 have been generally observed grouping in the island of Manhattan, specifically on numerous skyscrapers.
I think the Authority would at least try to figure out why so. You don't need to actually give a reason but showing that the Authority tried to find out why could help your article be more realistic.
Overall, it does give off a "religious thing from the bible lol" vibe initially but quickly sheds it when it got the nesting. I advise trying to withholding it's biblical origins for as long as possible until you get to the nesting part. Then again, the CPs are filled with it's religious origins so I think you should try to push the part about nesting forward. Maybe hint at it with quantity during the CPs.
Narrative
I don't quite get the part about 911. It doesn't serve a purpose in the narrative because the trajectory of the story isn't changed. It doesn't change anything. I don't know where you can go with that 911 story so I would advise against including it. Then again, maybe you have a story with it. Either way, the 911 thing works not as well at this stage.
I would also like to explore the nests of 514. It could sound fun navigating it's nests and seeing how it changes it's buildings. Maybe put a few exploration logs here?
Good luck fifth!
/forum/t-11311285/the-children-of-malphas#post-