So, before I ask you for crit, I'm just gonna apologize for the absolute wreck that is my sandbox. The one I'm asking for crit on is at the very top, I wouldn't go too far down though, because past that it becomes a jumbled mess.
Anyways, here's the link: http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/logangreenjeans
Any and all crit is appreciated, thank you!
This is a great article. I'm a bit new here, but I've written a few articles. Here's my critique:
In your article, you say the Authority has stopped the search for Jenny. I think it would be really interesting if you removed that and maybe explored how the 'Jenny' book might hint towards her disappearance. You've set up two 'Story lines' (The relationship between book 1 and 2, and the relationship between jenny and the books.) However, it seems you've left a big hole in the story that could be easily remedied with some extra exploring of your idea. Maybe try more tests that explore the Jenny issue. A tale about his RPC could even be an interesting idea.
In summary, I like this article a lot. The formatting is very well done and the poems are unsettling and well-made. However, I would like to see you explore Jenny more. Who is she? What documents (Police or Authority) exist about her? Why and how did she disappear? I would rate this article 5 stars if you expand on that. Great Job!
Thank you for the feedback! The "hole" in the story is somewhat intentional, but I'll try to think of a way to fill it a bit more. To give you more of an idea about Jenny, I've added a missing poster to the article that makes her seem more like a real person. Hopefully that helps.
I really think the RPC should be the book itself, as the human in the book never makes himself apparent. I see what you're trying to do, however if the person is considered dead, then the RPC designation should be given to the book. Unless you want to confirm the person's existence and say he was even contained by the Authority at sometime, cause that'd give him RPC designation instead of the book.
For your footnote you could at least hint as to what these properties are, this is meant for researchers after all.
"are to be kept in separate containment chambers, at least 10 meters apart."
Separate containment cells seems a bit much, maybe one cell would be enough, but then you'd need to measure how much close proximity is for the activation of the anomalous event and ensure the cell is big enough to accomodate for this.
"there's only way to stay immortal,"
add "one" in there:
"there's only one way to stay immortal,"
Missing posters usually have a "last seen date" part on it, consider adding that
Now that i read the whole thing, i gotta say i enjoyed it. However there are a few problems with it grammar-wise, and the designation of the RPC istelf is something i'd say is the main problem for me alongside the Containment Protocols. If you fix these 2 things i think it'll help the article in the long run
This is my first critique, so take that as you will.
In the opening line of the description of RPC-XXX-1 it describes the author as humanoid but I don't see anything within the article to suggest the authority knows that.
I personally would start of the description more along the lines of "RPC-XXX is a set of anomalous notebooks etc etc", it comes off as a better overview of the anomaly on the whole.
"When RPC-XXX-2 is in close proximity to RPC-XXX-1, they both begin to emit a thick fluid resembling ink." Have researchers taken samples of this fluid? Does the fluid flow out from the books then back to form words or does some of it spill. The description just throws off the clinical tone.
"The writing itself is neither memetic or anomalous, but does describe anomalous events and criminal acts, which are currently under investigation." Is a run on sentence
I think a line like "Dates taken from excerpts in RPC-XXX-1 have matched with several missing persons reports etc etc" would really help set up the "Serial" part I think you're going for here.
Overall I really like the piece. I hope I didn't seem to pushy with my suggestions, and I can't wait to read your piece when it goes up.
Foreword: I will be using several colours during this crit, and here I shall list what they represent.
ABC - major rewrite
DEF - rewording
GHI - minor fix
RPC-004-1 and RPC-004-2 are to be placed no less than 8m from each other in a single containment chamber.
Why aren't the two anomalies separated by a wall, or why aren't they just placed in adjacent containment chambers? You could rewrite that to this:
RPC-004-1 and RPC-004-2 have been placed in adjacent containment chambers, spaced 8 meters apart. The dimensions of the containment chamber listed are (Xm * Ym * Zm or Xm3).
In doing what is listed above, you not only show that the anomalies can't perform any breaches, you also ensure that they cannot get so close to each other that they perform whatever anomalous task they do.
Any fluid coming from either RPC-004-1 or RPC-004-2 is to be reported immediately.
This sentence itself is also wordy, and I would suggest trying to make it more clinical. Perhaps this:
In the event that either RPC-004-1 or RPC-004-2 are reported to be leaking a liquid substance (hereafter referred to as RPC-004-X (can be A or 3, heck, maybe even B)), ASF personnel should be alerted immediately.
Though alerting ASF personnel wouldn't really be needed, seeing as the liquid itself is harmless, I think they would have to intervene to space the two apart. Though again, they wouldn't really need to intervene because the cells should be spaced apart enough so that they don't actually do this.
Containment Protocol Summary
I think you need to integrate more than two sentences into the article. If you're going for 004, you would definitely need to try and give it some more meat in the CPs. It doesn't seem really smart of the Authority to be keeping the anomalies in the same containment if they leak words when they get closer than 8m. Having an 8m * Ym * Zm (or 8m3) containment chamber doesn't seem all that smart, and you could literally just say that they're kept within secure containment lockers in low-threat storage. I would say try to give it some more threat-level stuff for when you begin to rewrite the article as per my crit, because so far it doesn't seem like it'll get anywhere, no offense. Like, for the Description, what would happen if someone were to get those words on them? Would it burn into their skin? Would it make them sick? Would it make them remember things that never happened to them?
RPC-004 is a collection of anomalous books, two of which remain.
This sentence was OK, save for the small rewording I had to do near the end.
RPC-004-1 is a red hardback notebook that contains writings from an unknown humanoid author.
What do you mean by "an unknown humanoid author"? Why is the Authority claiming the author of RPC-004-1 isn't human? It got its hands on a red notebook, which probably costed money for them to get or produce themselves. I would say either change "humanoid" to "human" or remove that altogether.
however, the writing itself is neither memetic or anomalous.
Attach this to the previous sentence via semi-colon (;), as it would work nicely with the flow of the article.
RPC-004-1 describes anomalous events and criminal acts, which are both currently under investigation.
This sentence itself is kind of weird. I would say rewording this sentence in its entirety.
The text contained within RPC-004-1 describes bot anomalous and criminal events. In response to this, the Authority has assigned a team of staff to investigate these events.
Even with a major rewrite, there could be some nice details you can throw into this. Like, what if the Authority realizes it is linked to a group of interest?
The author of RPC-004-1 is the perpetrator of these acts, and used their anomalous ability1 to cover up the crimes.
This sentence is repetitive. And how did the Authority figure this out? How come the author wasn't ever identified as anomalous in the CPs? This bit is confusing and is lacking a proper clinical tone. I would suggest removing this sentence, as it really only takes away from the article.
RPC-004-2 is a blue hardback notebook with the name "Jenny" written on the front its cover.
Remember: keep clinical tone!
The writing inside of RPC-004-2 is noticeably more incoherent, but still not anomalous.
This sentence requires some rewording after the comma. I would suggest saying it is "lacking any anomalous properties, similarly to RPC-004-1."
The name Jenny refers to Jenny R█████, a 2█ year old woman who disappeared on 10/20/18.
How was the Authority able to find this out?
The police case has since been dropped at Authority request.
No. No, no, no. The Authority wouldn't request for a case to be dropped. The case would've simply went cold and would inevitably be closed.
When RPC-004-1 is in close proximity to RPC-004-2, they both begin to emit a large amount of ink.
Here we see some massive contradiction, as well as some formatting errors. Clinical tone is a massive error here, and I suggest you reword this as well as previous sentences that contradict this one.
The fluid will begin to spill off the page and then form words.
This sentence is in need of a rewrite:
After (x amount of time), the ink will begin to spill from the opened page, and upon hitting a solid surface, will form words; however, after (y amount of time), these words will manifest back onto the aforementioned page in its prior appearance.
This is a bit clunky itself, so I would suggest using this and rewording it to your liking.
Description Summary
Near the end, it becomes extremely contradictory, and it is very hard to follow. I decided to check the Addenda, and I came across something that went completely unmentioned in the Description: the instances's abilities to communicate to each other. You also forget to mention how they're poetry books (we shouldn't have to rely on the title for that information). Also, you don't mention the missing fliers for Jenny, etc. etc.
Article Summary
The article needs to be worked on in nearly every aspect. The Addenda is great, but the Description and CPs don't ever refer any information to it, thus causing the reader great confusion. This article is far, far from done, and I suggest working on it immensely. Though I do have to admit, it took a long time to crit this effectively, which I enjoyed!
Right! Let's begin!
Grammar And Tone
As usual, not explaining everything. Given that this article is very "Addendum-heavy" there really isn't many places for me to nitpick.
Evidence suggests that the author of RPC-004-1 possessed anomalous abilities, and used them to commit these crimes.
"the aforementioned crimes" would be better, I suppose.
The name Jenny refers to Jenny R█████, a 2█ year old woman who disappeared on 10/20/18.
Since they can't say this with 100% certainty (unless I missed sth) they'll probably use the term "is believed to refer to", no?
When RPC-004-2 is in close proximity to RPC-004-1, they both begin to emit a large amountof ink.
I think quantifying these things would be best, since the Authority is a research institute first and foremost.
The fluid will begin to spill off the page, until only a small amount is left in the form of words.
I think you need to specify that this is the fluid you're talking about.
Also, I suppose you should use passive voice more often. It makes your article sound more clinical.
Structure and Lore
Ok, I think the structure is functional. I would say though, that Addendum 004.B kind of disrupts the flow of your article and should probably be removed. It seems to make a limited narrative impact anyways.
Content
So, a poet that traps people into books sounds interesting. His motives are clear and they make him consistent. Good job!
I would say, however, that it is a pity that the methodology isn't even mentioned.
Narrative
It's not exceptional, bit it's certainly functional. I would say, however, that I wish to see more of the two interact with each other.
Good luck!
madly do I chase after you,
sadly do I return without you,
try:
madly do I chase after you
but I return with you not in view
there's only one way to stay immortal,
so lose the morals, accept what I give,
up on my shelf you will live.
You drop the rhyme here, I would try:
there's only one way to have immortality
accept my gift, and lose your morality
so go on, accept what I give
up on my shelf you will surely live
I don't want to say it,
because I don't think I can believe it.
I would reword to:
This point I do not want to cede
For it I can scarcely believe
the book you're reading is the proof,
Well hot damn, I really like this article. It's a very interesting idea, and it's executed fairly well. I'm impressed that you were able to rhyme for that long, and they're not too bad, if you ask me.
Personally I think this article is great, I'm not sure what else you could add, as you wrap up the "story" of this article fairly well. The only thing I could say for you to do is try to find ways to keep the poems rhyming. But aside from that, this is an excellent article.
Good work.
Based on how many other crits you have and how much you shill this on discord, I'm not gonna do my "copy the entire article and point out my issues w/ it, and just point out areas I have gripes with.
RPC-004-1 and RPC-004-2 are to be placed within adjacent containment chambers spaced 8 meters apart.
Shouldn't they just be in lockers? I mean devoting not one but two containment chambers to an book that produces a bunch of ink sometimes seems a bit.. overkill.
RPC-004 is a collection of anomalous books, two of which remain.
Okay Mr. Poe, no need for the theatrics. Just say that RPC-004 is 2 books, which used to be part of a larger series based on whatever reason you have.
RPC-004-1 is a red hardback notebook that contains writings from an unknown author; the writing itself, however, is not memetic.
Why do you feel the need to mention that the writing is memetic? If the authority finds a torn piece of schoolwork by an 8-year old are they gonna be like "Guys watch out, this isn't memetic."
but still lacks memetic properties
again you gotta mention the lack of memetic properties! The Authority does bot automatically assume every anomalous piece of paper they run across is memetic!
Alright that's all of my gripes with this article, you're on the precipice of something amazing, I can feel it!
http://www.rpc-wiki.net/contest:004contestlogangreenjeans It's been posted boys!
