Pandora's Cardboard Box
blabbo
Pandora's Cardboard Box
Forum
» Writing & Drafts / Archived Drafts
» Pandora's Cardboard Box
Summary:
h
I'm reading this for the very first time and I am absolutely impressed! Whoever co-wroted your article must be very epic.
They are rage, brutal, without mercy. But you. You will be worse.
In all seriousness, I suggest making the anomaly an Alpha-white as as far as we know, the objects presented are docile. You can still get an idea of what the 618 instances are without the interview, so I suggest closing the interviews as a collapsible. One more thing, I think it's confusing to have 618 and 618-A instances be a different thing. I suggest calling P, W, F and D RPC-618-A instances and calling the little stuff that follow them RPC-618-A-1 instances.
They are rage, brutal, without mercy. But you. You will be worse.
(account deleted)Containment Protocol:
Nothing out of the ordinary with the containment protocols, good job.
Description:
Most of the time, RPC-618 behaves as a normal object.
Ehhh, doesn't sound too clinical, I'd recommend: "RPC-618 primarily behaves as a normal object."
These smaller entities are designated RPC-618-A instances, and are mostly made out of paper.
Remove the comma.
Description of RPC-618 Entities:
Nothing out of the ordinary, good job.
This is an interesting take on the concept of a Pandora's Box. I especially enjoyed how you utilized the interview logs to accentuate the character of the individual 618 instances. It provides a good source of information (and entertainment) for the reader and essentially completes your article. For now, take a few more critiques from other users in the case that I had missed anything; broaden your intake, and I believe this will then be a finished piece.
At this point, RPC-618-W began to bang its head against the wall. After 2 minutes of this, Burnham was escorted out of the interview room by an ASF member. RPC-618-W continued this action for 37 minutes.
I love this section.
Well, this is a short crit. I have to say, this is really well written, and I like how you took the time to actually create the images for this article, that's some dedication right there.
I really can't say much on this, as it is very well done. There are little to no errors (aside from the ones purposefully there), the concept is interesting and amusing, and the whole article is well fleshed out. Add on top of that the extra effort you put into this, and I would easily give this 5 stars.
Excellent work.
So after reading this, I found there to be a few slight issues (at least, imo,) that i'll list out down here. They're not much but they don't exactly take away from the article. But for the most part, the piece is very well done and has a nice blend of mystery and humor to it. I can scarcely imagine a child's imagination giving so much vibrancy to cardboard depictions of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Now here we go…
"PC-618 is a crudely made 26x26x26 cm cardboard box, fixed together with tape and adhesives."
There's nothing inherently wrong with this but I'd suggest using something other than 'fixed.'
Maybe try replacing it with "built" or "held in place by" or similar.
"RPC-618 is extremely resistant to damage, and cannot be broken or destroyed."
Maybe something like "RPC-618 is impervious to all forms of damage" or you can just remove 'broken' as it can mean the same thing as 'destroyed' in a sense.
"RPC-618, most of the time, is in an inactive state"
KInda feels weird. Reword it to something like
"Primarily, RPC-168 remains in an inactive state until an HESIOD event occurs."
While I'm on HESIOD, you've not exactly described what the HESIOD event is or how any of the Horsemen will behave during such an event. Or why the event occurs at all. I do get that whatever these entities are, are a result of the event which is about as much as I can gather and they revolve around the horsemen in some ways. But without proper introduction, it feels like I'm lost.
Everything else after that is fine. In fact, I love how homemade it all looks. From the box itself, to the little arts n crafts horsemen. A lot of effort was put into their designs too and it helps paint a clear picture from what we can tell by the descriptions and what their sphere of influences are. THeir behaviors definitely mirror exactly how a child would make them act out as if this is the kind of tone you were working for.
/forum/t-11267744/pandora-s-cardboard-box#post-