The hungry
The hungry
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Summary:
This is a draft i made. All critique and suggestions are welcome.
Hey Mit9975! Omega Shenron again, the critique from your OP robot ideas forum.
So here's my critique:
See Addendum 08-01-2007 and Addendum 13-01-2007.
This could be made into a footnote to make the paragraph more digestible.
RPC-XXX
This is redundant in your sentences. You can refer RPC-XXX as "the entity" or "the anomaly" or the pronoun "it".
RPC-XXX has 12 legs with multiple joints, resembling crab legs in it's long tail that resembles a centipede, that starts from the bottom of the torso.
This can be paraphrased into a better sentence like: "Each originating from the lower torso, the anomaly has 12 legs resembling that of a centipede."
RPC-XXX has no sense of hearing, and a very responsive sense of vibrations.
This can be paraphrased into: "RPC-XXX exhibits poor auditory performance but rather uses its highly potent Pallesthesia inorder to hunt nearby prey."
RPC-XXX hunts by burrowing underground to intensify its sense of vibrations
Can be turned into "vibratory sense"
Due to it's digging based hunting, the containment chamber's floors must be made out of lead.
This should be moved to the containment procedures instead.
(granted)
This can be a footnote.
Spreading negativity to get positivity
(account deleted)Containment Protocols:
RPC-XXXX must be contained in a 10 X 10 X 6 meters vibration proof containment chamber with a reinforced lead floor. See Addendum 08-01-2007 and Addendum 13-01-2007.
I'd recommend replacing 'must be' -> 'is to be', although this is just personal preference.
No personnel aside from research staff are allowed into the containment chamber at any given time.
What is the risk of including a security detachment to assist the researcher? Wouldn't it only help in the case of a containment breach to have immediate back-up so that security wouldn't have to reopen the containment door and have a delay in preventing the researcher from being attacked?
If a breach would occur, personnel are instructed to direct shots into the stomach area.
Clarify on security personnel here, since they're the ones who shoot-to-kill. In addition, clarify that this is RPC-XXX that is to be shot (specifics are important, especially in containment protocols). I'd also recommend swapping 'stomach' -> 'abdominal.'
Descriptions:
RPC-XXX is a biological entity that has two abnormally large arms with sharp fingers. RPC-XXX has 12 legs with multiple joints, resembling crab legs in it's long tail that resembles a centipede, that starts from the bottom of the torso.
Your sentence continuity is a little wonk, let's restructure this block: "RPC-XXX is a biological entity of unknown origin. RPC-XXX contains various anatomical abnormalities, including: elongated arms, sharpened digits, twelve multi-jointed legs similar to crustacean appendages, and a centipede-shaped tail originating from the base of the torso.
RPC-XXX has showed signs of having a slow regenerative bone and skin structure. RPC-XXX has protrusions of skeletal structure in the bottom of the neck all the way to the end of the tail. The spikes become exponentially smaller the closer they are to the end of its tail.
Let's reorganize this too: "RPC-XXX exhibits gradual regenerative growth in both skeletal and epidermal tissue. The skeletal structure protrudes through multiple regions of RPC-XXX's body, originating from the base of its cervical region to the end of the tail; the size of said protrusions decrease in size as they approach the tail."
RPC-XXX has no sense of hearing, and a very responsive sense of vibrations.
Let's rewrite this: "RPC-XXX is incapable of auditory perception, instead responding to vibrations in the surrounding environment to detect and track the locations of other organisms."
RPC-XXX hunts by burrowing underground to intensify its sense of vibrations, burrowing under it's prey, rising from the ground and quickly ripping them apart. Due to it's digging based hunting, the containment chamber's floors must be made out of lead.
Again, let's restructure this to: "RPC-XXX hunts prey via burrowing into the surrounding earth in order to experience amplified vibrations. Once reaching its prey, RPC-XXX will quickly emerge from the ground and immobilize said prey before proceeding to dismember it."
Remove the part involving the reason as to why the floor is lead-based, as it is not parttaking in directly describing the anomaly, and should be in containment protocols.
Addendums:
Addendum 24-11-2006: RPC-XXX was contained from the forest near the city of ██████ in Germany. Mobile Task Force used tasers to the stomach area while RPC-XXX was distracted.
Addendum 08-01-2007: Multiple screams of RPC-XXX were reported while personnel were walking near RPC-XXX's containment chamber. Dr. ████ has repeatedly requested for vibration proof walls. (granted)
Addendum 13-01-2007: RPC-XXX has been trying to penetrate the chamber floor. Request for a reinforced lead floor. (granted)
There is so much to develop off of these origin stories and containment updates that entire paragraphs may be devoted to them. This can also help you develop and potentially produce a narrative in the article. This can also ultimately reduce your chances in losing your reader's interest.
In summation, this is your typical odd, burrowing-based predator that uses some form of alternative detection to acquire and track prey; it's fairly generic and there is nothing that particularly produces something of note in the article that makes it stand out.
My recommendation for you is to focus on potential cognitohazardous or chemical effects, including how it may affect the surrounding environment to operate in its favor to trap, fool, or immobile prey before acquiring them. You may also write about how it metabolizes these captured organisms to assist in its development or growth, or what anomalous effects are produced if it achieves a certain form of sustenance.
For now, this is not ready, I advise you to take the time to focus, conceptualize, and see how you may develop this piece further so that it can stand out from the remainder of other ideas brought onto here, so you can captivate both a heavy interest as well as good narrative.
/forum/t-11182281/the-hungry#post-
