rcpa tale sequel
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/moistbread71
sequel to http://www.rpc-wiki.net/a-dragstrip-librarian
tell me how bad it is please
rcpa tale sequel
Forum
» Writing & Drafts / Archived Drafts
» rcpa tale sequel
Summary:
electric boogaloo
Just as the last one, pretty good tale
i hope you later expand on this "Idyllic's Finest in Esoteric and Extravagant Delights!"
This is a very good tale, that can function as a story without the previous tale, but still uses the fact that it is a series in a notable way. Well done.
As someone who wrote for IFEED in the past, I must say that I am uncertain as to why those members spoke so logically to an obvious police officer. While I could let this go as simply "will be explained later" I won't. Because a re-characterization that drastic does need to be explained.
ps. I now know what you mean by summoning a chaos god.
the explanation is simple: alt timeline, ifeed is now an anomaly trafficker group
(account deleted)Sean yawned, moving to the next vehicle. Rain began to pour through the smog that coated the city, smothering it in a wet blanket. As the droplets hit the car, he tapped on the window. It slid down, revealing a figure in a motorcyclist's helmet, their breath fogging against the visor.
There are a lot of pauses going on around here, and reading it aloud it doesn't seem as smoothly as it should be, I suggest to edit to this:
Sean yawned, moving to the next vehicle. Rain began to pour through the smog that coated the city smothering it in a wet blanket. As the droplets hit the car, he tapped on the window, which slid down revealing a figure in a motorcyclist's helmet. Their breath fogging against the visor.
racing, and.."
Ellipsis missing a dot here.
He cleared his throat, watching as it began to rain. The downpour came as sudden as a truck on a freeway. “Now, I must ask, you got a name?”
She looked at him. "A numerical designation, yes."
The part where she looked at him can be in the same paragraph right after the question.
"I don't know, some old country flag. Anywho, you need any goods, give us a call. Gotta pack up now anyways."
I don't like how it abruptly cuts off here, you were building up expectations all over this tale and this quick way to escape from them just sort of cold stops it. I recommend you try to add some sly remarks from Sean, and the man getting progressively nervous and then doing his best to flee quickly. The way it has been written leading up to this part makes your reader expect some good action, follow through with it.
Aside from these issues, I liked the flow of the narrative. Just needs a bit more polishing in the aspects I pointed out.
The core of the tale is good, and I like the continuation of the RCPA world established in the last one, but this draft feels a little rough with the way dialogue is done. I can't really line-by-line it but to point out some examples to hopefully get the ball rolling.
The biker took their helmet off, revealing themselves to be a brunette.
But then it's only like four paragraphs later that we get
They sighed, exiting the vehicle. Revealing themselves to be a she. Sean cleared his throat, pulling a pair of handcuffs from his belt.
Does she have a really androgynous face and just, no pants with the most visible vagina on the planet that only comes into play once she's out of the car? This is mostly a nitpick but it confused me a little
"The car disappeared while you were.. Busy. I brought it back." She said the word busy as if it were a particularly old piece of food, that needed to be spat back at him as repayment for it being fed to her.
I get the sentiment and it sends across what you mean decently but it's… weird? Something more along the lines of "She explained, spitting the word busy with an unusual level of venom" that's simpler and more to the point works better with the flow
"Definitely. But later."
This section is the last time the librarian is mentioned or referenced in the entire ensuing scene with the escaping prisoner and their execution, which is… weird? Especially when she's so uncomfortable with callous murder like that. You could easily include her in the scene by having her squeal or something as the prisoner lept out the window be what confirms his assumption that they were escaping (which i think is the sentiment here to start with, that he sighed and expected the prisoner to have tried to escape before OHKO-ing them?)
He turned, sighing with more malice than before. In place of the vehicle, there now stood a man, with the librarian having the look of a kitten that had been caught extending its claws into the sofa.
I actually might've been wrong, re-reading here I assumed this was talking about the sergeant's librarian which might not be the case. I don't think this really fits as a reaction though, unless we're supposed to think she's specifically fearful of this guy, moreso than she has any feelings about the murder that just happened
"You believe in magic, then?" He scoffed, continuing the facade.
The man shook his head, hastily replying. "No, no, my good sir, it is but unexplained phenomenon! Guns that shoot energy, soda that gives you superpowers, all sorts of things!"
I don't really get this part, aren't anomalies common knowledge in the RCPA timeline with their use and access just being restricted? Are these people supposed to not know that, or not know what the symbol on his jacket means? Maybe I just don't know enough about IFEED. I sort of assumed they were weird traveling salesmen hawking Amazing Co! wares in this dytopian timeline before I read the post in this thread mentioning the other GoI
Overall the narrative you're trying to tell is good, just needs polish on the way you're telling it
/forum/t-10728238/rcpa-tale-sequel#post-