Thanks to Von Pincier and
Redtide for draft crit.
Thanks to DanMurphys and
Croal for idea crit.
Image credits to the #rpc-inspiration channel and my own photoshop.
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Gonna have to agree with Croal's rating on this one. It's greatly improved over the first draft, but it still has some tone issues that need work.
OWO? What a nice Group of Interest idea. I like this article.
The only reason I know about this article is from a comment on my own snowman article, RPC-200. Aside from some issues I had with the diction, I really like this article. I felt that it was better than mine, and I should perhaps consult the author for ideas on how to spice mine up.
While the idea for this one is good, I can't say the same for the execution. The number of badly written sentences in this article is staggering, especially considering it has apparently been critiqued by at least 4 people. While some of these are just phrasing errors, with others I'm not sure whether the mistake is just with your phrasing or you're actually confused about the article that you wrote yourself. I honestly barely managed to slog through the article on my first time reading through it. Here are some examples of these inconsistencies and mistakes I'm talking about:
- Why is this anomaly called "aquatic" when it's not, and why is it called "self-replicating" when the article later states that the Authority doesn't know how they reproduce?
- What are Class-G Amnestics? Are the regular old letters not cool enough?
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The former is to be done by MST Quebec-2 "Snow Builders" and put in a 6m x 6m x 6m cooler cell.
- Do these creatures have a "society"? Apparently they're sapient, but not sentient.
- What is "The means by which RPC-167 entities take on different forms" supposed to mean? Are you talking about the two separate designations of RPC-167 here, or literally the different shapes they come in? If it's the latter, why would the Authority care about that?
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The way they traverse is by controlling the snow to go behind the entity or by making the snow push them.
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They are usually stronger in terms of their weight and size.
I assume you mean "/larger/ than RPC-167-1 in terms of weight and size".
Capabilities include water manipulation and curing many dehydration diseases.
What? Do you mean they can manipulate water, /and also/ this ability can be used to treat diseases of some sort? They themselves don't treat any diseases, do they? You just said they're aggressive.
- The Authority finds over ten million of these things every winter, but less than a thousand are out there? This just makes no sense, unless you're trying to make a point about the Authority's high opinion of themselves.
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Only communication appears to be via hand motions, however, personnel has no way of deciphering as of now.
To be clear, you could fix this by changing it to something like "While RPC-167 appear to communicate nonverbally, no progress has yet been made towards learning their language."
- The part with the photos is good, but the final two addendums are, in my opinion, unnecessary and not that well written. The Authority trying to prevent global warming is an interesting direction, but the unnecessary redactions ruin that log, and the last log would be weird even if the dialogue wasn't awkward and disjointed.
I hope I don't seem like I'm nitpicking. I'm sure you have worked very hard on this, but the organization we're writing about here is very important and very serious, and the tone of our writing needs to reflect that. I hope you write better articles in the future, and maybe also fix this one.
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Just wanted to clear a couple of these up.
- It's aquatic because the anomaly is related to water and is self-replicating because they still reproduce we just don't know how.
-Class G is a gas in which a person doubts their own memories.
- They are sentient, not sapient.
- It is referring to the forms any anomaly of 167.
- Fixed.
- Capabilities of using the anomalies and such.
- WHAT?! No! Just uh, read the designations.
- Fixed.
- I disagree.
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Some interesting images, but very weak execution especially with the final log between the unknown people. I do like the concept though as I am a lover of everything winter and snow related.
Can't really say how I feel one way or another so I'm going to give this a 3/5 for now
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