RPC Proposal: 30 soldiers from the Black Garuda.
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/phoenixofhope
Edit(3): give me crit, please. Thank you.
RPC Proposal: 30 soldiers from the Black Garuda.
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» RPC Proposal: 30 soldiers from the Black Garuda.
Summary:
another "war ghost" type of article. help meh.
(account deleted)Containment Protocol:
OL-Site-██
Don't censor anything in containment protocol, it's important that personnel know where to go. Add in a random number.
to be prepared for RPC-XXXX’s manifestation.
Personal preference, but I'd recommend "to be prepared" -> "in preparation for." This is ultimately up to you, though, as either is fine.
All MST personnel must remain outside RPC-XXXX's line of sight by staying inside several small sheds that have been established before by the Authority, located on RPC-XXXX–Alpha’s location until RPC-XXXX began to manifest.
A bit clunky, let's condense to: "MST personnel are to remain inside positioned sheds in order to maintain visual contact with RPC-XXXX."
When all 30 instances of RPC-XXXX finish manifesting, all personnel must identify which instance is RPC-XXXX-1 and strike it with critical knock using any blunt object that available immediately.
Hmmm, let's rewrite this to: "Upon manifestation of all 30 instances of RPC-XXXX, personnel are to identify the respective RPC-XXXX-1 instance and are to immobilize it via riot suppression utilities."
If any unauthorized person attempts to break these protocols, they must be subdued immediately. If any unusual phenomenon occurs outside from 14th of January, personnel must check and secure RPC-XXXX-Alpha immediately.
Let's rearrange the first sentence: "Unauthorized personnel in breach of any of the aforementioned protocols are subject to apprehension."
Also, replace 'check' -> 'inspect.'
Description:
All 30 instances of RPC-XXXX wear standard Indonesian army uniform from 1945.
Plurality error, make sure it's 'uniforms.' I'd also recommend to capitalize 'army' and replace 'from' -> 'dating to.'
The time of RPC-XXXX’s manifestation is irregular. However, RPC-XXXX mostly manifests at 08:00 a.m or 09:00 p.m local time.
Replace the period with a semi-colon.
Before RPC-XXXX manifests, heavy fog begins to surround RPC-XXXX's manifestation area and reduces visibility to almost zero.
Hmm, let's change the tone a little: "Prior to initial appearance, a dense fog will begin to form and encompass RPC-XXXX's area of manifestation, effectively reducing visibility to zero."
After a few moments, RPC-XXXX begins to emerge from the fog.
Replace 'After a few moments,' -> 'After a period of time.'
When all instances of RPC-XXXX have manifested and reached RPC-XXXX-Alpha, RPC-XXXX-1 then stands in front of the other RPC-XXXX instances and begins to worship XXXX-Alpha by kneeling before it and chanting in an unknown language.
Let's rewrite this to: "Once all instances have manifested and surrounded RPC-XXXX-Alpha, RPC-XXXX-1 will position itself in front of the group. RPC-XXXX-1 will then begin to engage in various activities equivocal to a ritual worship (directed toward RPC-XXXX-Alpha). This procedure begins with RPC-XXXX-1 kneeling before it and beginning to vocalize in an unknown language."
This worshipping process, as long as the Authority observed, takes approximately one hour. The longer the worshipping process occurs, several unidentified entities are visible from the fog. These entities, as described by personnel, are tall black humanoids with red luminous eyes. Hereby designated as RPC-XXXX-Beta. The highest number of RPC-XXXX-Beta observed by the Authority to date is 15. This number, however, is suspected to increase as the worshipping process continues.
TRIM THIS DOWN. Also, why is an external observer required? What will happen if an outside observer is not present? Include this in a footnote if it indicates any change in time.
Also, as for the edit: "This process, if an external observer is present, will take approximately one hour. As the process continues, various unidentified entities will begin to emerge from the fog. These entities, hereby designated RPC-XXXX-Beta, resemble featureless, black humanoids with red luminescent eyes."
These entities are presumed to be extremely hostile. Personnel attempted to approach RPC-XXXX-Beta through the fog will not return and presumed missing.
Rearrange this to: "RPC-XXXX-Beta instances are presumed to exhibit aggressive behavior toward outside individuals. Any subjects attempting to approach said instances will become enshrouded by the fog and fail to return."
All RPC-XXXX instances are resistant toward any damage including bullet shot, cutting, burning, corrosive acids, etc. can only be halt by knocking RPC-XXXX-1's head with a blunt object.
Let's rewrite this to: "RPC-XXXX instances exhibit evident resistance against firearms, slashing, burning, and exposure to corrosive materials. However, instances are vulnerable to blunt force trauma inflicted upon the head."
Overall, it's… eh. I understand the lore behind the anomaly that you've described, but its anomalous properties just seem rather bland. They simply produce some black, featureless humanoids that don't do anything other than seemingly multiply. More importantly, since it has a Purple threat level classification, I would assume that it would produce an effect that bears a significant magnitude of nearby populations, but nothing really comes of it.
My suggestion is this: these Indonesian soldiers undergo a ritualistic procedure; that is interesting. I believe you should focus more on this specific area, describing the specific details that occur in order to summon these particular humanoids. Then, following that, I want to see how interaction occurs between -Beta and -1 instances, what sort of behavior they express is indicative of the soldiers' apparent resistance to forms of lethal force. Then, focus on the repercussions that may occur if a particular ritual is interrupted, or what if it is permitted to continue.
For now, this is not ready, focus on working on what is suggested, and gain more criticism from other individuals in order to ensure your work appeals to the general writing community. Take as many as five people, if needs be.
- The OL Site number is still blotted out in your Addendum and Interview Log
- Shouldn't the response personnel be equipped with some sort of blunt weapon before they go up there, instead of using "any blunt object available"?
- Is the response facility fully staffed and maintained year-round? That seems unnecessarily expensive
- Is RPC-XXXX-Alpha the same stone every year, or is it randomly selected?
- You mention that manifestations 2 through 30 protect manifestation 1. Does this mean that when the Authority personnel go to hit manifestation 1 on the head, that they have to fight the rest as well? I presume that this is the case, but it is unclear.
- I don't think the classification is correct. Purple is the color used for when an anomaly is capable of killing many people very quickly. No capability or instance of this is documented in the article.
- Was the heavy rain in the 2019 incident forecast by the local weather stations, or did it seem to appear out of nowhere?
- Why is there a SUCCESSFUL RESEARCH file at the top that was completely redacted? Do you intend to write another page and link to it there?
- There are still a few grammatical errors. I'll go over them tomorrow if you ask me to, but not tonight
-fixed em'
-yea, any blunt object available. the standard baton is already counted.
-hemm.. this one is quite interesting, the ol-site only crowded by researcher every January. on the other month, this site is just maintained by local personnel who resided nearby. maybe ya could help me write about it
-same stone.
-once the -1 got hit, they all disappear. is the wording still vague?
-now there are some people askin' bout this purple classification. imo, if the -Beta manage to be manifested, they'll make some destructive stuff on the civilization nearby. is the wording still vague?
-out of nowhere.
-just some sandbox decoration. dont mind that
Incident report: On 13th January 2019, Heavy rain suddenly occurred on Mt. Cikuray for more than 24 hours.
make the H in "heavy" lowercase. I would also rewrite this entire paragraph so its in past tense form.
On 14th January, at approximately 04:00 a.m local time, all personnel inside OL-Site-28 suddenly unconscious.
Switch "January" and "14th". Capitalize "A.M". Add "were" after "OL-Site-28". The same goes for the next sentence.
Foreword: Interview conducted in order to understand more of what happened during the incident.
This entire sentence is redundant because you say the same thing right before the collapsible
Person: -professional or I'll get punished, eh?
Why do you refer to the interviewed as "person", when you say their name right above at the top of the log?
We confused at first.
Add "were" after "We"
I think we may late for several hours than the usual.
We must hold each others’ hand or we get lost.
The other one standing while raising a Kris1 in the air.
Several black entities, that you referred to as RPC-XXXX-Beta, is also visible.
No matter how much your pawn left, if you knock the king, you win.
So while the others handling the rest of the soldiers
And they all disappear.
All of these sentences in the interview log have one or two types of errors, either they're written in present tense, or they're missing connecting words such as "were", or "are".
Now, could you explain more about why one agent got stabbed in the chest and died?
This is worded awfully bluntly. I'd recommend you change "why one agent got stabbed in the chest and died?" to "why one of the agents was killed during the encounter?"
We still distracted by the demanifestation event until we didn’t realize that one of those shamans I told you before, managed to stab one of our agent in the chest with a Kris.
A personnel, who is the closest to him, reported that the shaman blaming him and the rest of us for his failure like forty-seven years ago.
Both of these sentences have the issues that I mentioned in the other sentence cluster. You really need to put in connecting words, even if what the person is saying is meant to be a translation. You also need to use more descriptive language in the second sentence. What "failure"?
oh, and your carelessness that leads to the agent’s death will also be discussed.
Person: Wait, fuc-
This ending is completely unnecessary and comes out of nowhere. Sudden comedy after describing a horrific event does not help your article at all.
Overall: This article still needs work. I recommend you talk to the other people who gave you crit on the discord and see what else they had to say about it.
"RPC-XXXX finished manifest,"
Should be:
"RPC-XXXX finish manifesting,"
Small shacks? do you really have to use small shacks? if not, maybe make them something to better to combat the RPCs?
"must hide inside "
could you find a better word than hide?
"all personnel must start to located which instance is RPC-XXXX-1"
should be:
"all personnel must identify which instance is RPC-XXXX-1"
"and strike it with critical knock using any blunt object that available immediately."
Why not just shoot it?
"If there’s an unidentified person is visible and intended/attempted to disturb these protocols, any personnel must stop its action immediately."
Should be:
"If any unauthorised personnel attempt to break these protocols, they must be subdued immediately"
"disguised as storage"
You mean: "disguised as a storage facility"?
"Infantry Battalion/Black Garuda from 1948."
Why 1948 specifically? If you mention why, it'll help prove why this should be mentioned in the first place.
"These entity composed of 30 instances of humanoid, known as RPC-XXXX-1 through -30. All RPC-XXXX skin color is pale white"
Should be:
"This collective is composed of 30 pale humanoids, known as RPC-XXXX-1 through -30"
Little side note, many of the short sentences here could be connected together to make the article flow easier.
" and unable to communicate with another person"
Should be:
" and unable to communicate with others"
"hostile toward human and will attempt to terminate any person on its sight."
Should be:
"hostile toward any humans and will attempt to terminate any person on sight."
"This terminating attempt is mostly done by RPC-XXXX via strangling target’s neck or constant beating and kicking on the target’s vital area."
Should be:
"Attacks by RPC-XXXX are mostly done via strangulation and beatings and/or kicking the target’s upper torso, throat and head."
"seems to protect RPC-XXXX-1 from any harm."
Reworded to:
"seemingly attempt to protect RPC-XXXX-1 from any attacks."
"RPC-XXXX are manifested at an area on"
reworded to:
"RPC-XXXX manifest in the areas of:"
"However, RPC-XXXX mostly manifested"
make it "Manifests" instead of "Manifested"
"Before RPC-XXXX manifested"
same as above
"heavy fog began to surround RPC-XXXX manifested area. These fog cause visibility to decrease to almost zero visibility."
reword some words:
"heavy fog begins to surround RPC-XXXX's manifestation area and reduces visibility to almost zero."
Also for the fog, what about thermal vision? does it work? If so, what do they see?
"began to emerge from "
reword "began" to "Begin"
"When an RPC-XXXX instance manifested, they began to approach a stone on the location,"
Reword to:
"When an RPC-XXXX instance manifests, they begin a moving towards a stone,"
By the way, what kind of stone is it? Large? small? smooth?
"When all instances of RPC-XXXX is manifested, RPC-XXXX-1 then began to stand in front of the other RPC-XXXX instances and began to worship the stone by kneeling and muttering several unknown words in front of it."
Reworking this to:
"When all instances of RPC-XXXX have manifested and reached RPC-XXXX-Alpha, RPC-XXXX-1 then stands in front of the other RPC-XXXX instances and begins to worship XXXX-Alpha by kneeling before it and chanting in an unknown language."
" took approximately "
should be: " takes approximately "
"The longer the worshipping process occurs,"
How much longer are we talking? Hours? Days?
"These entity described by personnel as a tall black humanoid with red luminous eyes"
Should be:
"These entities, as described by personnel, are tall black humanoids with red luminous eyes"
"Numbers of RPC-XXXX-Beta, as far as the Authority observe, is 15 entity."
Should be:
"The highest number of RPC-XXXX-Beta observed by the Authority to date is 15."
"This numbers, however, is suspected to be increased as the worshipping procees occurred"
Should be:
"This number, however, is suspected to increase as the worshipping process continues"
"These entity presumed to be extremely hostile"
Should be:
"These entities are presumed to be extremely hostile"
i feel like that sentence could have something else to add to it like: and ASF are cautioned to engage them.
"bullet shot, cutting, burning, corrosive acids, etc."
Maybe try and use different terminologies for these, for an exmaple: "bullet shot" could become "Small arms fire"
"can only be halt by strike RPC-XXXX-1's head with a blunt object"
Maybe change to:
"can only be halt by knocking RPC-XXXX-1's unconscious"
"When succeed,"
change to: "When successful,"
That's all i give for now, I'll look at your Addendum and incedent report some other time
thanks for this.
few things to know:
-first, the MST dude only required to fight RPC-xxxx ONLY when they are sure which one is RPC-XXXX-1. before that, they just need to hide out from their sight or they just fight some undead soldiers for no reason.
-these RPC-xxxx are bulletproof, can't be stabbed or sliced. a blunt object will cause internal trauma to the vital part.
-1948. these based on an Indonesian legend on war. the location and date and stories are 90% accurate.
-fog only manifest surrounding RPC-xxxx-alpha area. so if the MST already on the area. the fog isn't a problem and the thermal vision kinda useless.
-about the stone size.. uhh… as big as a person. I'll write about it.
-the worshipping process must be halted immediately, but the longest time ever recorded is one hour. referring to the incident log.
-these black entity only presumed to be extremely hostile. when personnel tried to approach it, they must enter the fog first. and missing. maybe you could help me with that?
-any bullet shot is unable to cause any damage. but if you referring to some RPG or something like that, no, they survived the blast without damage.
What can I say, I only expert on history. thanks for the crit.
Ok then! Only Addendum, as you requested!
Grammar And Tone
As usual, not explaining everything. There are quite the number of grammatical errors so I suggest proofreading it a few more times.
The Authority first known about RPC-XXXX at 20/12/2009 when several people approached one of the Authority’s Site, claiming from the government.
"Claiming to be from the [INSERT COUNTRY HERE] government. Also you might want to give the Site a number. I'd recommend 038 since it's in Asia and has a page.
These people then showed RPC-XXXX-Alpha location and explaining the anomaly of the location.
A more clinical term may be preferred.
MST Echo-25 were unable to reach the RCP-XXXX-Alpha location early for the yearly protocols.
It's RPC, not RCP.
On January 14th, at approximately 04:00 A.M local time, all personnel inside OL-Site-28 were suddenly unconscious.
14/01/19.
Pronoun counter(the lower the better): 3. Pretty good!
This article needs further rechecking. There are quite the amount of grammatical and tonal mistakes.
Also, the casual nature of the interview logs kind of makes it no look translated. Recommending RPC-722 and RPC-916 for how to make something look translated.
Structure and Lore
It's usually "Addendum XXXX-1 instead of just Addendum.
This is not hard to read because of the shorter paragraphs, so nice work!
Also, I don't think a janitor would really know what the Authority is. Maybe have the person be some other rank?
The title of the person is also usually not present in Interview Logs. It's Zack, not Agent Zack.
Content
Problem 1: It doesn't feel translated.
Problem 2: It kind of feels more like "ok that happened". There's not really a direction where the article takes. Does it go to "the cost isn't worth it"? If so, then the interview logs don't really support this view.
Problem 3: The grammar actively hinders my ability to finish it.
Problem 4: Some of the questions in the interview log feel a bit redundant. Why do I care that the person got stabbed? Why do I care how the people found out about the Authority?
Suggestions: Decide on the direction of the origin story and follow it. Also really, you need to fix the grammar.
Good luck!
You want crit? Here come crit.
Registered Phenomena Code: XXXX
Object Class: Beta-Purple(or beta yellow? help me decide it plz)
Hazards: Aggression Hazard, Grouped Hazard, Sentient Hazard
[[include component:image-enlarge name= footage.jpg|width=…px|caption= Instances of RPC-XXXX.]]
Containment Protocols: Every 14th of January, all personnel on OL-Site-028 belonging to MST Echo-25 (“Dreaded Out”) personnel of OL-Site-28 must begin to will standby on RPC-XXXX-Alpha’s location at 06:00 A.M in preparation for RPC-XXXX’s manifestation.
MST personnel are to remain inside positioned sheds near the RPC-XXXX-Alpha location in order to maintain visual contact with RPC-XXXX without entering being visible on RPC-XXXX's line of sight. Upon manifestation of all 30 instances of RPC-XXXX, personnel are to identify the respective RPC-XXXX-1 instance and disable it via blunt force trauma to the head.strike it at its head with a critical knock using the equipped baton or any blunt object that available immediately. Approaching RPC-XXXX-Beta is unnecessary for the personnel.
If any unauthorized person attempts to break these protocols, they must be subdued immediately. If any unusual phenomenon occurs on any day other than theoutside from 14th of January, personnel must inspect inspect it for what? and secure RPC-XXXX-Alpha immediately.
OL-Site-028 has been established bellow Mt. Cikuray needs a footnote establishing where this thing is, disguised as a storage facility, for housing several researchers involved in RPC-XXXX research, security personnel, and 50 members of MST Echo-25 Personnel. OL-Site-028 is to remain empty and unused for every month of the year save January, and is protected by local ASF assets. is only necessary for January. Other than this month, the OL-Site is not used and only be guarded by local personnel that resided nearby.
Description: RPC-XXXX is the collective designation forare 30 soldiers from the Indonesian National Armed Force(TNI) 32nd Infantry Battalion/Black Garuda What does the phrase "Black Garuda" mean in this context? Is this a unit designation? from 1948 which appear to originate from the year 1948. RPC-XXXX instances are This collective is composed of 30 pale humanoid entities characterized by pale skin colouration, designated, known as RPC-XXXX-1 through -30. All 30 instances of RPC-XXXX wear standard Indonesian Army uniforms from 1945.
RPC-XXXX instances do (this is a collective designation remember)does not display normal human behavior. Observations have shown that RPC-XXXX does not have a high level of intelligence and are unresponsive to normal human communication methods. unable to communicate with others. RPC-XXXX are hostile toward any humans and will attempt to terminate any person on sight. Attacks by RPC-XXXX are attemptedmostly done via strangulation and physical strikes towards beatings and/or kicking the target’s upper torso, throat, and head. RPC-XXXX-2 through -30 seemingly attempt to protect RPC-XXXX-1 from any attacks.
RPC-XXXX are manifestsed at an area on Mt. Cikuray, West Java, Indonesia, every 14th of January January 14th. The time of RPC-XXXX’s manifestation is irregular. However, RPC-XXXX generally manifests between 08:00 A.M and 09:00 P.M local time. Prior to initial appearance, dense fog will begin to form and encompass RPC-XXXX's area of manifestation, effectively reducing visibility to zero.
After a period of time, RPC-XXXX begins to emerge from the fog. When an RPC-XXXX instance manifests, it begins moving towards a large man-sized (Give measurements for the stone. What is it made of? How big is it? Can you move it and will the entity keep manifesting?) stone in the area, hereby designated as RPC-XXXX-Alpha.
Once all instances have manifested and surrounded RPC-XXXX-Alpha, RPC-XXXX-1 will position itself in front of the group. RPC-XXXX-1 will then begin to engage in various activities resembling acts of ritual worship (directed toward RPC-XXXX-Alpha). This procedure begins with RPC-XXXX-1 kneeling before it and beginning to vocalize in an unknown language. The worshipping process has never been observed to last for more than as the Authority has ever known, takes approximately one hour. As the process continues, various unidentified entities will begin to emerge from the fog. These entities, hereby designated RPC-XXXX-Beta, resemble featureless, black humanoids with red luminescent eyes. Hereby designated as RPC-XXXX-Beta. The highest number of RPC-XXXX-Beta ever recorded manifesting simultaneously known by the Authority to date is 15. This number, however, is suspected to increase as the worshipping process continues do you mean the worshipping process in general? Or specific worshipping events? Don't they only last a set amount of time? Also, if the Authority can count these things, wouldn't they know pretty conclusively that the numbers re increasing?.
[[include component:image-enlarge name= footage2.jpg|width=…px|caption= Instances of RPC-XXXX-Beta.| align=left]]
These entities, once manifested, will begin to speak in contemporary Indonesian. emit vocalization. The language used by RPC-XXXX-Beta was identified as the Indonesian language. RPC-XXXX-Beta will encourage RPC-XXXX to continue the ritual. RPC-XXXX-Beta does not respond to any attempt at communication although it does appear to be aware of other entities beyond RPC-XXXX. RPC-XXXX-Beta remains within the fog all the time but is suspected to be capable of leaving the fog when the ritual is finished. RPC-XXXX-Beta, based on several sources, are presumed to be extremely hostile. How can they be hostile and also incorporeal and incommunicative? Attempt to approach RPC-XXXX-Beta through the fog is futile, as RPC-XXXX-Beta is intangible.Put this at the start of the XXXX-Beta paragraph. This is pretty darned important.
RPC-XXXX instances exhibit evident resistance against injury from firearms, blasts, slashing, burning, and exposure to corrosive materials. However, RPC-XXXX-1 are vulnerable to blunt force trauma inflicted upon the head. If all instances of RPC-XXXX are incapacitated by head trauma while worshipping, the process will end, and all fog and instances of RPC-XXXX-Beta in the area with demanifest.RPC-XXXX's worshipping process can only be halt by knocking RPC-XXXX-1's head with a blunt object. When successful, all RPC-XXXX instances, RPC-XXXX-Beta and the fog surrounding the area will demanifest immediately.
Addendum XXXX-1: The Authority was first made aware of the existence offirst known about RPC-XXXX on 20/12/2009, when several local Indonesian government officials approached Authority agents in that country. (Did they do so separately? Or as a group?) when several people approached one of the Authority’s Sites on that country, claiming from the local government. These individuals were forthcoming in explaining the location and nature of RPC-XXXX, and confirmed that they had been attempting to contain the anomaly on an ad-hoc basis since 1972.They claimed that they have an anomaly for the Authority to be maintained. Then they showed RPC-XXXX-Alpha location and explaining the anomaly of the location. They claimed that they have been handled the anomaly since 1972.
On 30/01/2010, The Authority approach Moh. A████, formerly in charge of the informal defence against the who suspected in charge of handled RPC-XXXX before.
Interviewed: Moh. A████
Interviewer: Dr. C. Louis
Foreword: Interview conducted in subject’s home. The following was translated from Indonesian. The interview was done in order to understand more about the nature of RPC-XXXX. The following interview has been translated from the Indonesian language to the English language.
<Begin Log>
C. Louis: "Good afternoon. My name is Dr. Louis. I'm from the Authority. We believe that you were the leader of several men who contained numbers of an entity on Mt. Cikuray before us. Is that true?"
Moh. A████: "Ah, yes. I had a friend who works on one of your sites as a janitor. He thought that this organization could help us. So I ordered my men to scout and approach you and your organization. I glad that you’re agreed to handle these monsters."
C. Louis: "It's our duty to the world. Now, what are these entities actually? How did you come to learn about them? you have the knowledge about it?" (Maybe mention some acknowledgement about the janitor grossly violating security in telling people where he worked?)
Moh. A████: "It all started a few days before the Renville Agreement add a footnote explaining what this was. When the TNI still fought against the Dutch on Mt. Cikuray. Now, there was an… incident. Where several soldiers attempted an occult practice."
C. Louis: "Could you elaborate?"
Moh. A████: "30 soldiers from Yon 32/Black Garuda were attempted to worship a sacred stone on Mt. Cikuray. They're prayed to the mountain spirits to make them be bulletproof and help them gain victory against the Dutch. The leader of the unit, Mohammed Rivai, had explicitly forbidden them from trying it. He reminded them that we worship God now. already forbid them to not do it and reminded them of god existence. Still, they did the ritual. And then… it happens."
C. Louis: "Something happened?"
Moh. A████: "Of course! All of them got possessed by some sort of spirit. Rivai wrote about it in hisThis incident was told by Mohammed Rivai in his book. Have you ever read a book titled [REDACTED] before?"
C. Louis: "No. Is there’s some sensitive information regarding these entities inside that book? Should we redact it?" (I'd imagine this researcher would be surprised that there's a published book about a dude fighting demons out there.)
Moh. A████: "No. In it, On that book, Mohammed Rivai said that he attacked the ritual leader. Kicked him until they all turned kicked the ritual leader’s leg to make them all back to normal. But, when we interviewed several people who knew about this incident, that turned out to be a lie.the truth isn’t like that."
C. Louis: "What happened, then?"
Moh. A████: "Rivai had brought some of his other men along. They couldn't stop the ritual at first.They cannot stop the ritual at first. AllThese 30 soldiers couldn't be killed! After a while,As time goes, several tall black creatures with red glowing eyes, what we call the that we presumed as demons, began to show up. These demons invited Rivai and other soldiers to join the ritual. They promised to help him win the war and conquer the whole country. to summoning them for helping the soldiers achieve war victory and conquering the whole nation. Now, Rivai is a religious man. Of course, he knew that summoning demons, all demon on mount Cikuray, even for Indonesian independence, was a bad idea, and he refused the offer. He sat down and began to pray. to the god and After a few moments, he stood up, grabbed a rock and Then, Rivai grabbed a rock and hit the ritual leader’s head with it. Then,All of the 30 soldiers and the demons that surrounded them them began to disappear."
Moh. A████: "This incident was forgotten by everyone until a few years later. On the 5th of January 1972, a local shaman reported to the government about the existence of these entities."
C. Louis: "Wait, so the government knew about it?"
Moh. A████: "Well, technically, the Garut's police station in 1972 knew about this. The shaman reported to the local police stations, stated that "several people have summoned these soldiers". Of course, nobody believed it at first. The shaman even almost got arrested. HeThen the shaman asked for a chance to prove it. It took him several tries to prove he was telling the truth. Cost him tome money too.Took a few investigations, and costed some money too, but they finally agree.
Break up this paragraph a little.
Then, several locals were hired to check the truth about this event. That is us. We were also skeptical at first, some even refused to do it. But since we were being paid, so we went along with it. got paid for this, we agreed. After given assignment, we then observe the location We watched the mountain and made preparations for said entity. Then we saw it. I saw it with my own eyes, those soldiers appeared from the fog one by one. Of course, we were scared at first, but then the shaman told us what to do. Hit them in the head. It sounded ridiculous, but it worked. and we succeed. The shaman then asked us to keep this as a secret to prevent another incident, and he left Garut. We've been guarding the mountain ever since.That’s what we do until now."C. Louis: "Why give this information to us?"
Moh. A████: "Retirement. I am 57 years old now. We cannot handle this entity forever. After I learned that you all can be trusted, I can finallywe can live in peace now."
C. Louis: "You're welcome. Now, I think that's all, thank you for your cooperation."
Moh. A████: "Oh, and one other thing! Keep the soldiers a secret. secrecy of these entities and Don't let any strangers know about it. That was the shaman's last message. Maybe it means something? just like the shaman said to us before. That shaman's last message maybe means something."
<End Log>
Closing Statement: Moh. A████ remain under the Authority observation. in case that he has additional information.
Incident report: On 13/01/2019, heavy rain suddenly occurred on Mt. Cikuray for more than 24 hours. This sudden weather change was not predicted unpredicted by the Authority or the local meteorologists. MST Echo-25 were unable to reach the RPC-XXXX-Alpha location in time for the yearly protocols. On January 14th, at approximately 04:00 A.M local time, all personnel inside OL-Site-028 were suddenly lost consciousness. This effect remained until 09:00 A.M. Eleven personnel that were coincidentally outside the Site when the event occurred were unaffected by this event and decided to carry out the containment protocol.
The following interview was conducted to understand what happened during the incident:
Interviewed: Agent Zack (Okay, so Zack is not a common last name whatsoever. In fact it's not even a particularly common first name. Plus, it's a shortened form of the name Zachary, so maybe use that instead? This would be the equivalent of someone's last name being Doug or Joe. Unless Zack is an Indonesian surname I'm not aware of, in which case carry on?)
Interviewer: Dr. C. Louis
Foreword: The following interview has been translated from the Indonesian. language to the English language.
<Begin Log>
Zack: "-professional or I'll get punished, eh?"
C. Louis: "Sir, the recording is on."
Zack: "Ah, okay. Sorry."
C. Louis: "Now, you and ten other personnel were outside during an unidentified event which caused all personnel inside OL-Site-028 to suddenly lose consciousness suddenly unconscious, right? Could you explain more about what happened during that event?"
Zack: "So, if I remember correctly, there’s me, six security guards, three MST Echo-25 personnel, and a researcher outside the site. The researcher is the one who realized you all passed out. We were confused at first. Then, as you may hear from the others, I recommended that we must carry on try the yearly containment protocol."
Zack: "Now, hiking that damn mountain while it's raining isn’t easy stuff. I think we were late for several hours late. than the usual. We were lucky that those MST dudes lead the way. But the worst was when the fog began to show up and surrounded the manifestation location. As the document says, zero visibility. We had to hold hands to keep from getting lost. must hold each others’ hand or we will lose track. Once we managed to escape from the fog, the first thing that I see is that all thirty instances of RPC-XXXX were already manifested."
Zack: "Then, I saw two people right beside the rock, err, RPC-XXXX-Alpha, I mean. An old guy, maybe around sixty years old, One person sat on the ground with several candles and a bowl. He quite old, His age maybe around sixty years old. The other one was kind of younger, maybe around thirty years old. He was standing, raising a Kris1 in the air. Now, the first thing that comes up in my mind is that these two folks are some sort of shamans. But I can’t think much at that moment since we had to must stop the ritual. Several black entities, that you referred to as RPC-XXXX-Beta, were also visible. Fifteen, if I remember correctly. They were just staring at us for the whole time. Some of them wereWe were also heard those Beta keep encouraging the soldiers to release them."
Zack: "Hah… Eleven men against thirty undead soldiers in a goddamn rainstorm. ThinkingIf I think of it now, it kinda sounds like a chess game. No matter how many pawns they have much your pawn left, if you kill the king, you win. So while the others handled the rest of the soldiers, I grabbed a spare baton from one of the MST membersone of those MST Echo-25's standard batons and hit RPC-XXXX-1’s head as hard as I could. And they all were disappeared."
C. Louis: "Interesting story. Now, could you explain more about how one of the agents was killed during the encounter?"
Zack: "Ah, yes. As the proverb says, “escaped from the tiger, and straight to the crocodile”. We were still distracted by the demanifestation event. We didn’t realize that one of those shamans, the older ones that I mentioned you before, managed to stab one of our agent in the chest with a Kris. The guy who was A personnel, who is the closest to him, said the shaman said something like,reported that the shaman said something to him. Based on the personnel's statement, the shaman said "This is for ruining our ritual. we will succeed if not because of you all. (I'm not sure what you're trying to say here. They'll succeed even with the Authority trying to stop them? They haven't succeeded because the Authority has stopped them?) Did another traitorous shaman tell you about our plan, just like forty-seven years ago?". Then he ran away with his bloody Kris into the forest. We tried to catch him, and even tried to shoot him, but the rain made things difficult and he and his partner managed to run away. At least the rain stopped at that point.The good thing is the heavy rain finally stopped."
C. Louis: "Thank you for your cooperation. We will discuss more of this event and the shamans you mentioned. Are you sure that's all you can remember? the detail?"
Zack: "Yes."
<End Log>
Closing Statement: Following this incident, the Authority will limit the access toward RPC-XXXX-Alpha and increase the security in the area, especially a week before the 14th of January.
Okay, overall I think this has a lot of promise! You're telling an interesting story here. That being said, I think it's much too long for the amount of story told. It's also unclear where the rival groups of shamans come into play, compared to the goal of freeing Indonesia using demonic powers. Do some editing, but this is absolutely on the right track.
Footnotes
1. A traditional Indonesian weapon.
/forum/t-10582325/rpc-proposal:30-soldiers-from-the-black-garuda#post-