067 tale

Summary:

a small tale about a guy being tormented by 067

067 tale

ImNotEric 06 Mar 2019 09:47

The streets lay empty and cold. The silence was oppressive and was only interrupted by his pace.
An unappealing white-collar worker was running from the unseen predator. His steps stumbled every so often as anxiety punctured the back of his neck every time he glanced over his shoulders. He couldn't see him, but he knew he was there. This thought made him even more fearful of the thing chasing him.

The sweat from his brow was icy cold; his lips trembled, breath stuttered as the chilling panic continued to pierce down his spine. The sound of his own footsteps echoing in the background only played on his anxiety. That feeling started to dissipate as he finally reached his door.

His apartment, as shitty and cramped as it was, felt like an impregnatable fortress at that moment. The house was silent. It was that comforting sense of quietness, not those four walls, that brought rest and safety to his feelings. For now, he was safe from having to deal with him. His request started off very simple, even professional. Then slowly these requests became more jeopardized. He asked for all kinds of information he didn't have, all the while namedropping him and his close circle of family and friends. People that he never told him and people he shouldn't have known. The manner in which he spoke was even worse; he treated it all as nothing more than casual conversation.

He believed he was going insane. When he reached out to his colleagues, they replied with dismissive gestures. Even HR went as far as to deny his existence. He considered at some point, seeking psychiatric help. Perhaps he was seeing things. Maybe he was schizo. He wasn't sure. All he knew it was these delusions stayed inside his cubicle and didn't accompany him back home. As this multitude of questions started pillaging his mind, he heard a knock on the door. His blood ran cold.

He was paralyzed, bolted and frozen in place out of sheer panic and fear. He couldn't move. From the crevice under the door, he could only see the shadow of his nightmares.
"Hey, it's me again from Middle Management. I was wondering if you got those paper I asked you for"

Then, the shadow went silent. He couldn't hear the voice, nor the knocking or the wood creaking anymore. There was only the sound of his ragged breathing and the feeling of his uneasy heartbeat. The figure opened the door, his hands, contorted, his face, round but everchanging and unrecognizable. Then, he spoke again.
"I promise you I only need one or two more courtesies and that should be it".
Funny thing, he's been saying that for the past two weeks.

(this is V2. Thanks to SticksNTricks and moist bread for the reviews http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/067-tale-imnoteric)

Last edited on 07 Mar 2019 05:55 by ImNotEric Show more

Re: 067 tale

SticksNTricks 06 Mar 2019 18:12

First, split up your paragraphs. Don't forget to indent.

"The streets lay empty and cold," put a period here because "the silence was oppressive and was only interrupted by his pace." starts off as if it was a new sentence.

"An unappealing collar worker was running (practically falling) down the sidewalk, prey to ruthless anxiety that would not let him rest, because he knew the farther away he was from his office the safer he would be."

This is a run-on and worded weirdly.

Phrase it something like;

"An unappealing (blue or white) collar worker was running from the unseen predator. His steps stumbled every so often as anxiety pricked at the back of his neck, every time as he glanced over his shoulders. He couldn't see him, but he knew he was there. It only made him even more fearful of the thing chasing him."

"The sweat from his brow was icy cold; his lips trembled, breath stuttered as the chilling fear continued to prick at the man. The sound of his own footsteps echoing in the background only played on his anxiety. That feeling started to dissipate as he finally reached the door to his home."

"His apartment, as shitty and cramped as it was " <- Needs another comma here.
Change the semi colon after 'moment' and instead put a period there.

" but it was both the figurative and literal silence (not space) that brought peace to that location, this figurative silence being the hallmark of not dealing with him and their exchange of words."

This is worded rather weird imo. You don't really need the parenthesis here I think. Word it something like…

"The house was silent. It was a comforting sense of quietness though that brought him peace and tranquility. Safe from having to deal with him."

"His request started off as very simple, even professional." you don't need 'as' or even here methinks.

"But then his request started getting more and more compromising, he would ask for all kinds of information he didn't have, all the while namedropping him and his close circle of family and friends, dressing it all off as casual conversation."

Another run on. Use something like…

Then each request he asked of him were more compromising than the last request. He asked for all kinds of information he didn't have, all the while namedropping him and his close circle of family and friends. People that he never told him that he shouldn't have known. The manner in which he spoke was treated as nothing more than casual conversation."

"He believed he was truly going insane, he told some of his colleagues about and they did all but pay attention, even HR went as far as to deny his existence. He was reflecting on getting actual medical help when something left him frozen: he began hearing knock-knocks on the door, very loudly."
A couple more issues here I think.

"He believed he was truly going insane." to "He thought he was going insane." reworded. Also put a period here.

"When he confronted his colleagues, they replied with dismissive gestures."

"Even HR went as far as to deny his existence. He actually considered at one point, seeking psychiatric help. Maybe he was seeing things. Maybe he was schizo. He wasn't sure. As a myriad of questions started swimming in his mind, he heard a knock on the door. His blood ran cold.

"He was paralyzed, in a state of indefinable confusion." Reword this to something like "He was paralyzed, locked and frozen in place out of fear and anxiety."

"He did not move, as he could only see a shadow under the door." Reword to "He couldn't move. From the crevice under the door, he could see the shadow of the man."

"Hey it's me again from Middle Management, and I was wondering if you got those paper I asked you for" Put a period after 'management.' Remove 'and' after it.

"and suddenly, silence. Nothing was heard anymore, not at all." Again, reword and remove a few words. "Then, the man went silent. He couldn't hear the voice, nor the footsteps of Middle Management anymore."

"Only the sounds of his breathing and his uneasy heartbeat." to "There was only the sound of his own breathing, and the feeling of his uneasy heartbeat."

"Funny thing, he's been saying that for the past two weeks." try it like "He kept repeating those words for the past two weeks."

These are just my thoughts and suggestions anyways. You can use your own words to describe the scenes but your main issue I see are run-on sentences, the lack of periods, awkward phrasings and a couple tense issues.

All in all, the tale itself is a rather morbidly humorous read for 067. I rather liked it.

Re: 067 tale

moist bread 06 Mar 2019 10:04

hello, if i may recommend, split this up into multiple paragraphs

and dialogue is meant to be in its own paragraph anyways, so maybe do that