rcpa tale
rcpa tale
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Summary:
book person + discount blade runner protagonist meets fuzzy dice
It was a bright cold day in April, and the fog had since left the courtyard.
Reminds me of New York on a cold day.
The men that walked through the cavernous expanse below, desperately trying to escape the stinging April wind, strode forward at a brisk pace, trailing their carts behind them.
I think that last comma might be superfluous.
Sean entered the pale glass doors of the city Protection center,
I found this line to be mildly humorous. Protection center. Centralized Protection.
the all-too familiar ding of the anomalous scanner welcoming him.
Anomalous scanner? I am not sure about this line. It implies that it is possible to detect anomalies as if they give off a special kind of radiation. I thought we agreed that was not a thing.
The reception area smelt of recycled plastic and burnt cigarettes.
Nice atmosphere here.
At the far side of the room, sat a pale plastic desk, the employee since replaced with machines.
I like what this implies about the RCPA facilities in regards to their humanity. It hints at a colder view of their affairs.
Sean made for the desk, pulling a piece of paper from the whirring, buzzing metal contraptions on the desk.
Aha, our main character's name. Interesting name. Short. Utilitarian.
He looked down at the emboldened text.
Interesting phrasing here.
Unit Commander: Congratulations are in order for being issued a Librarian-class Protector. Your dissident-suppression record is guaranteed to be doubled or better in the coming months. This brief guide will aid you in maximizing the utility of this most versatile asset.
The phrasing here appears to be similar to that of the phrasing used in RPC-068. Excellent work in keeping things consistent.
His eyes dragged over the rest of the paper, the whirring of the machines lulling his brain.
I can feel what Sean feels here to a degree. Excellent work.
The clean white page, contrasted by the emboldened black text.
Sentence fragment. Emboldened seems to be a bit of a theme so far. It is almost as if it is a comment on the nature of the RCPA itself. Emboldened by its success.
With that horrendous triangle logo in the top middle, staring into the deepest subconscious cracks in his persona. Sean stared back at that perverted triangle, the triangle that had since lost its ancient meaning.
These brief lines help to illustrate how Sean feels about the RCPA rather well.
He looked up, immediately noting her union-mandated clothing, with that infernal triangle on her coat pocket.
Yes, he really dislikes it.
I like this, though I would like to know what they do with RPC-173 after wards.
Unless something changed in the future I think it would be kinda hard for one guy to exploit/not lose 173.
I think you should mention the probability-alteration because that is essentially what RPC-173 relies on to keep drivers going when faced with outside threats.
(maybe you could have them "beat" the guy then shoot him in the noggin?)
well they negated the effects of the anomaly with gay future (plot device) goop
(account deleted)“Like, what’d we do, man?”
I didn't know Shaggy was in this tale…
swaggest person on rpc
he used 1% of his power to manifest 173
Apologies for the delay, here it is. A mix of straight "replace this with this" suggestions, large and small, and some more generalized musing on characterization.
The men that walked through the cavernous expanse below, desperately trying to escape the stinging April wind, strode forward at a brisk pace, trailing their carts behind them.
A four-parted sentence is a bit awkwardly long, especially at the very start. At the very least, I'd recommend splitting it down the middle - not sure what the 'cart's are supposed to be, but if the reader doesn't stop to think about it it's okay?
At the far side of the room, sat a pale plastic desk, the employee since replaced with machines.
Don't need the first comma here. As Liber said, like the line otherwise.
The text box
Nicely done. Great place to put in the link to 068 without making it seemed forced, considering that exact line is there to. Seeing it be used in a tale in-universe is a joy.
His eyes dragged over the rest of the paper, the whirring of the machines lulling his brain.
As Liber said, 'dragged' + whirring machines lulling your brain is really good. As a rule, for every time you write something awkward and stilted in this tale, there's also wonderfully simple but vivid line like this one.
The clean white page, contrasted by the emboldened black text. With that horrendous triangle logo in the top middle, staring into the deepest subconscious cracks in his persona. Sean stared back at that perverted triangle, the triangle that had since lost its ancient meaning. He was interrupted in his thought process by the sound of a woman clearing her throat. He looked up, immediately noting her union-mandated clothing, with that infernal triangle on her coat pocket.
This paragraph is confusing, imo, but improved a little/phrased better and it's the foundation for Sean's character.
With that horrendous triangle logo in the top middle, staring into the deepest subconscious cracks in his persona.
First part fine, second part - what? Could be improved - "With that horrendous triangle logo in the top middle, darker than the rest, like it was staring into his soul." - 'subconscious cracks in his persona' is a little wordy for this, imo.
Could more follow the spirit of the existing line with "cracks in his façade" - all depends if you want to further imply Sean genuinely hates the RCPA, is putting up a front, secretly horrified at what he does, etc. He has all these lines of hating the logo, but then he blithely shoots someone in the street. Perhaps I should read this again. That being said…
perverted triangle, the triangle that had since lost its ancient meaning.
perverted symbol, - repeating triangle so quickly sounds weird, going from symbol -> triangle flows better.
And how does Sean know about the old Authority, and as he monologues to himself later, about its old ideals/motto? Did he find some old papers, or is he old enough to remember? Did he learn from an old Authority staffer? I'm assuming you're saving this for the tale sequel - and this is all just an introduction - but a little addition as simple as
the triangle that had since lost its ancient meaning - forgotten, but Sean had an eye for secrets.
Something vague like that.
He was interrupted in his thought process by the sound of a woman clearing her throat. He looked up, immediately noting her union-mandated clothing, with that infernal triangle on her coat pocket.
Two points -
1. this section could be placed in its own section, line break from ruminating over the symbol.
2. "union-mandated clothing" - is this related to the baseline Maint Union? Is the MU more powerful in the RCPA timeline? I doubt the Protectors have a union… Librarians are strange tools, perhaps replace it with something simple like "strange uniform"?
Sean held up the paper, the buzzing of the machines highlighting the interval between their comments.
This is really good. Helps get across the oppressive atmosphere of this empty, sterile room in a building where Sean has met nobody else - his company is machines and now a humorless living weapon. Lovely sense of isolation, alone to ruminate on that damned logo.
The woman looked at him, an expression of disdain upon her face. "They were more concerned with not making me different, sir. Humor falls under different."
At first I was going to say this was awkward - but it kinda works, gets across how strange and different Librarians can be. Contrasted with the very human aversion to the violence later on, it's good.
That being said, this could maybe use a comment by Sean - he just launches into his briefing. Somethin as simple as "That's a shame." or "Same sense of humor as the receptionist, huh?" - imo, and opportunity for a characterful line from the main character.
The whole first exchange between Sean and the Librarian is great, though.
The woman clutched the books,
The wind that smelt of burnt cabbage, the garbagemen having been replaced all those years ago.
Burnt cabbage? Not many readers will know what that's like… and the garbagemen, personally I'd add a little depth to that line -
the garbagemen having been barred from the Protection Center's perimeter all those years ago. Security threat, probably.
Really good stuff, stepping out onto the street, considering a car.
fear for the triangular symbol they bore upon their coats.
Imo, 'triangular symbol' doesn't sound right in the flow of a sentence. Simpler, like 'triangle' or 'symbol' would work better - triangular symbol is longer but doesn't actually serve as a more meaningful description.
It mattered not to him anymore, as he had grown used to the numerous tasks of running from criminal to criminal, disposing of each with the help of those befuddled anomalous items.
Phrasing is a bit awkward - sometimes the prose stumbles over longer sentences. Suggestion:
It didn't matter to him, not in a long time. He'd gotten numb to his job, running from criminal to dissident, disposing of each with the help of these befuddling anomalous items.
.
Perhaps once, he thought, there was a time where they were viewed as witchcraft, something to behold with wonder?
imo would add 'something otherworldly' - not just witchcraft, but otherworldly, anomalous - and they're not anymore. Just tools. This whole monologue is great.
But now they were tools, tools meant to be used by those bearing the triangular symbol.
'triangular symbol' —> something else, 'triangle' or 'symbol' or 'the logo sewn into his coat' or 'the symbol stamped into his pistol'.
The symbol that had once meant “research, contain, protect”, now going by a different name. There was no more research, containment, or protection of the anomalous items, of which they had once held so dear to their concrete-walled hearts.
Suggestion, cause this is an awesome line:
The symbol that had once called its bearers to the cause of "research, contain, protect". There was no more research, containment, or protection of the anomalous - not with the old balance that had once been held so dear to their concrete-walled hearts.
'concrete-walled hearts' is so vivid.
And then, as they turned a corner to cut across a grunge-filled alleyway into a different street, numerous cars came rushing by,
Suggestion:
And then, as they turned a corner to cut across a grunge-filled alleyway into the next street, neon cars came shrieking by.
That military service detail is great, subtle character-building for Sean here.
She nodded, pulling a leather-bound book from her coat. On the spine of the book, Sean noted, was the title “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep”. As she read aloud a description of some kind of flying police vehicle, the words on the page abruptly forcing themselves into becoming a reality. Sean had no time to ask what the purpose of this vehicle was, as he had already climbed into the driver’s seat.
Suggestions:
"As she read aloud a description of some kind of flying police vehicle" -> "As she read aloud a description - some kind of flying police vehicle - "
"Sean had no time to ask what the purpose of this vehicle was" - long sentence for mostly useless information - should be "The Librarian turned back to Sean with a self-satisfied smile, but he had already…" or "Sean didn't bother asking for the details of the vehicle, as he had already…"
Also, I'd recommend adding a line from the Librarian, so the reader knows these creations are temporary -
"So you know, this won't last. I'll tell you before it starts falling apart."
"And what then?"
The woman held up the novel she pulled the vehicle from, brushing over a dozen bookmarks with her free hand.
Or something like that.
“Shoot to kill, I’m guessing?”
Maybe I'm not getting it, but why is it a question? He goes on to explain it to her - is he testing her? Just asking himself?
The librarian looked at him, her face that of a child that had just been told they couldn’t have any dessert after dinner.
Great line.
Sean nodded, remembering the standard punishment for abuse of an unregistered anomaly.
“They’re using an anomaly to street race, honey. That’s death penalty right there.”
This works fine as is, but - I feel there could be something extra, especially for what kind of character you want to ascribe to Sean. "Sorry, I don't make the rules." at the end reads a lot differently from "Yeah, it sucks. It'll get worse." and something like "You ever seen what happens when these street racers crash? You'd feel worse for the victims on the sidewalk." makes Sean sound more reasonable.
It's all about if you want him to sound like he's self-justifying himself, if he's more cavalier about the harsh punishments, and how sympathetic you want him to be right now. As it is, he kinda sounds like a dick. Other parts do make him sound pretty lazy and by-the-book because he doesn't care anymore, so maybe this was all intentional and I'm overthinking it.
He placed it on the back of his head, as it expanded into a metallic helmet, blocking out the affect.
This whole description is great - I'd recommend adding a line to the end:
…blocking out the affect. He figured the woman had built-in immunity to low-level memetics.
Suggestion:
impacting the dice within seconds.
Not great as an action line. "arcing through the open window and hitting the dice." - something like that. "within seconds" is not very descriptive.
Sean slid back into the driver’s seat, removing the helmet. “That stuff only lasts for about two minutes, so let’s make this execution quick.”… Sean nodded, not caring enough to argue. He got out, lazily walking over to the parked vehicles.
Yeah, this part makes him sounds pretty numb to this.
Painless, he thought, or at the very least, had always hoped.
But this makes him sound more sympathetic/empathetic, at least quietly. Just thinking about the suggested addition to his "we'll shoot 'em" line a little ways back.
All in all, great job. Looking forward to seeing this on the site - and man, is it cool to see something I wrote get used like this, in-universe and in a tale is great. Was grinning like an idiot at times during my first read-through. Some of the description lines in particular are great, wording I wouldn't have ever came up with. Good stuff, all round, I haven't read a full tale from you till now. Will look into the others now.
With that horrendous triangle logo in the top middle at the top, staring into the deepest subconscious cracks in his persona.
He was interrupted in his thought process by the sound of a woman clearing her throat.
reword to:
His train of thought was interrupted by the sound of a woman clearing her throat.
"They were more concerned with not making me different, conformity, sir. Humor falls under different. breaks conformity."
They exited the pathway onto a street, putting? the bustling traffic at an almost complete stop.
I really like this tale, really shows the dystopian nature of the rcpa world. One suggestion would be to make the Authority a more felt presence, have police, loud announcements over the entire city, things like that. But that's just a suggestion.
Good work.
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