Knights Image: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Knights_of_the_Teutonic_order.jpg
Solider image was created by Ascriber and all credit for the image goes to him
Flag used in FOA report is under creative commons. Edited by Smitty
Special thanks to Togetic, Demvare, and Hyze for crit and suggestions
Extremely special thanks to Smitty and Ascriber for their wonderful work.
I like the fantasy feel. Don’t know why but when I read this I began to think of Goblin Slayer.
Though I do have one problem. Why do you describe some entities as Demons or Demon like
My reasoning was that the entities are not confirmed to be fully fledged demons from hell. They sure as hell look like it though. So I went with demon-like and demon for brevity. Which is why most of the mentions of demons are in quotations (at least, to the best of my knowledge).
perhaps just put "demonic" in quotes, that way it sounds like a description from the knights
Hey, instead of making multiple posts in succession can you try and edit your original post thaaaanks
blabbo
What an epic article, I love anything related to medieval knights.
Hrmmm. I really want to give this a higher rating, but it just feels like such an amazing concept that you don't push far enough. This needs more of a mythical or fairy-tale feel, something more… Teutonic. I dunno, but it didn't grab me.
I do like the concept of the FOA, though, and this is a good intro to them.
An awesome article I love the concept. Although I have found a few mistakes.
" Requires the equivalent of approximately two full MST teams to terminate."
Mobile Strike Team Teams?
"[Grandmaster Henrick chuckles]"
His name is Henrik everywhere else, no c.
"And do not think I do not understand the insinuation behind your question"
double negative
A good idea that is being held down by the many, many grammatical and tonal mistakes. I do like that the FOA is introduced in a non-shoehorny way though.
3 now.
There was awkward tone throughout. I felt the pacing was poor, leaving me pretty bored through most of it. Too much time was spent on peripheral details not not enough on actual events and plot progression. This article feels like a drawn-out epilogue rather than a story itself.
Thank you for your feedback. I just wanted to clear something up that was bothering me.
The reason it doesn't feel like a story is because it is not a story, but an article.
Its specific goal is to explain how the entity works and how the order survived so long. It was never intended to be a story, but rather was intended to set one up to be written at a later date. This is why it spends so much time focusing on the details as opposed to actual events or a plot. It is meant to set the stage for a tale to be created, so the tale can more properly focus on the plot and events, and less on explaining how the order was able to kill demons in the first place.
As to the pacing, I personally do not see an issue, but respect your opinion, as there could be things that I am simply missing.
Please do not misunderstand me as trying to defend my "precious work" from any and all criticism. It simply seems as though there is a misconception that I felt could be cleared up.
Once again, thank you for reading my work and giving your feedback. I will be sure to focus more on pacing in the future.
…I have some mild things to speak of for the description…
"Plate-mail armor enchanted with anti-thaumaturgic properties. This includes all layers of armor (gambeson, chain-mail, great helm, etc.) and is crafted in the Teutonic aesthetic."
Might also want to include "as well as more recently, ceramic inserts for enhanced physical protection" or something given the second image has the knight bearing a plate carrier or something…
"An assault rifle. Usually non-anomalous, equipped with anti-thaumaturgic rounds. Common rifles include AK-47s and AR-15s, though more anomalous rifles have been observed."
augh
this is one of my most weird things
AK and AR platform weapons would fit better. Give them room enough to fit machine guns and stuff in there maybe. it also satisfies a particular thing I have..
"At least three (3) extra clips of anti-thaumaturgic ammunition."
…just three? I know that modern troops require at least like, 8-9, don't leave the wire without that. At least throw in a basic combat load of five mags.
"A bastard sword forged from anti-thaumaturgic steel."
Frickin SICK
and now for the other bits
the creatures
"Lizard-like beast similar in size to that of a horse. Capable of launching high powered explosives comprised of an unknown substance. Large tube like protrusions extend from entity's back. These tubes are used by the entity to launch payloads over large distances. Entity is slow and cumbersome, lacking any ability to avoid attacks should it be threatened. Cumbersome nature of entities has shown to severely limit close-quarter capabilities, causing poor performance against melee attackers. In addition, heavy gunfire or bombardment has proven effective against these entities."
hmm…
"Reptillian creature about the size of a horse, capable of launching high explosives of unknown composition from dorsal tubular protrusions. These payloads can be fired over long distances. The entity is observed to be slow, and cumbersome, limiting defense in close combat. While resilient, it still proves vulnerable to sustained small arms, or alternatively anti armour firepower."
I don't wanna come off as rude but, uh, these paragraphs for their description seem a bit clunky.
