reuploaded due to downvote raiders
RPC-955 / Discussion
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(account deleted)that's some nice themeing
Fifth, I know I've harped on about this to you multiple times, but I think this either needs more connecting it to 956 or less, frankly. It just feels too much like its own thing at the moment to justify a cross-connection.
I'm also struggling to figure out what this article has to do with the RCPA- it just feels like you're trying to cover too much subject matter here.
This proves that the dark theme improves the quality of articles.
No it doesn't it's ugly and dumb >:(
edit: Wait how would it improve the quality of articles it's just a theme it doesn't do anything to the writing what
blabbo
It feels too much like a generic cyberpunk world, and it's ties to the RCPA are far inbetween.
2 now.
i understand your complaint, however it is literally the embodiment of "generic cyberpunk world"
that is the anomaly
Well fuck. My complaint is that it's literally the embodiment of "generic cyberpunk world" which, if I wanted, I would have gone and watched Blade Runner and Blade Runner 2049.
I don't know man, it's just not particularly interesting to me.
I really enjoyed this, a worthwhile read. Though, I may be a bit bias since I'm a fan of dark cyberpunk settings and alternate realities. Hits both of those marks quite well.
My only "complaint" - if you could call it that - would be that it doesn't have an exploration log authored by those sent in to explore. It'd give the narrative more meat.
Not a deal breaker though, and it doesn't really need one.
+5 Amigo.
RPC-955 is a reality that has splintered off from our own via the large consumption of the 1980's "dark futuristic" aesthetic in modern culture.
Excellent, I like where this is going…
Entrances to RPC-955 are almost always able to be easily spotted as entry points, due to objects being able to cross into our reality from RPC-955, these objects looking extremely different to any modern technology or standard objects in our reality.
I have absolutely no idea what this line means as it's trying to convey objects, entrances, and entry points in a jumble of words.
The first fragment is completely redundant while the second fragment starting at "due to objects…" examines the objects themselves, not how they are entrances. You could have combined the first and second fragment to express that the entry points were the objects themselves.
Numerous technologies in RPC-955 are physically and technically impossible, along with numerous architectural designs and inconsistencies in the societal structure. For instance, no farms have ever been found inside RPC-955, nor has the city ever seemed to end.
The second sentence does not illustrate the physical and technically impossible technologies of the former sentence. In fact, its an entirely different idea and requires a different starting word or phrase to actually transition into the mention of agriculture. The secondary sentence states a lack of something rather than "X technology" and its implication does "Y thing", which is vastly different than baseline reality or what we have.
Also, farms aren't the only way you can supply a civilian population with food. RE: Hydroponics / Hydroculture.
If you wanted to convey to the reader that there is either liminal agriculture or flat-out none, then just say that because your previous sentences thrust forward the idea of there being "impossible technologies" which in itself is an abstract for later logs to followup on.
There are multiple sentences and paragraphs that read like the ones I mentioned. My advice is to go back and pull apart complex sentences, describe them completely in smaller sentences, THEN, if you want to give your piece some flare, see what sentences can be conjoined together again to make a complex sentence.
In contrast to RPC-956 which reads like a well-structured document observing the general mood behind vaporwave, this article itself is great on paper. But lacks execution.
Instead of exploring a theme, you're relying on it to make your Shadowrun campaign introduction. Things like factions or impossible technologies are never really explored in a significant way and are only paid a certain amount of lip-service.
This is going to be a very long crit. Longer than the article itself, even. I've put each section of it in their own collapsibles.
My main criticism with this is that it's way too short. There's a lot of potential here, but a lot of ideas that are presented are quickly dismissed or never touched upon again. There are so many avenues you could've gone down with this, and you went down none of them. It reads like an incomplete draft of what could be a good article.
- This shouldn't be an Info-Hazard, since knowing about 955 doesn't have any harmful effects in and out of itself.
- It also shouldn't be a Destabilization Hazard, since it's clearly not intended to be an extremely unstable reality, either. I mention that because there's a major goof with the ACS levels later on, which I'll get to.
- I would say this is a Teleportation Hazard too, since presumably people get teleported in there from our reality to 955 when they meet the criteria, like in 956.
- Rest of the hazards are fine.
I also think it would look nicer if you used the hazard pictures, but that's just like, my opinion, man.
This is really confusing. I had to read and re-read it a few times before understanding it, and even now I'm still unsure as to how exactly one enters 955.
The article mentions "access points" a few times, but doesn't go into detail about them.
- Where do they manifest? In urban areas? How does the Authority cover them up?
- How big are they?
- Are they permanent or temporary?
- Are they straight-up portals to 955, or are they places where it's possible to access 955/956 by doing the requirements?
What I would suggest is taking the following course of action:
- Explain the concept of access points a little more clearly.
- Remove the tidbit that makes it possible to get into 956 by partially fulfilling the requirements to enter 955. 956 works much better as simply being directly tied to late-night Internet access in a distressed emotional state, as it was in the original article. I understand what you're trying to do by linking the two together, but as Von said earlier, it needs more connecting or less, and I would definitely go with the latter.
- Elaborate how the Authority is able to detain and eject people from 955.
First, you messed up Nucorp Industries's name. You have it stylized as NuCorp. Fix that.
Second of all, Nucorp's characterization is kind of off. They're definitely not a "corrupt corporation", as you put it, they're one of the only allies the Authority has. One of the things I'm confused about is which iteration of Nucorp this is - since it is a multidimensional corporation, is RPC-955's version of Nucorp native to RPC-955's reality or not?
Third, you say that "They have also given personnel most of the information about RPC-955 that is found in this document, which could not have been easily gathered through testing." However, earlier in the document, you mention that information like the exact height of the space elevator and where food comes from is gleaned from RPC-995-2 instances instead of Nucorp representatives, and most of the other data in the article can easily be gleaned from observation.
The first thing I notice here is that the image used for the Anthropology Department is meant to be used in conjunction with the old white theme instead of Black Supremacy. It doesn't fit.
＞inb4 "b-but it's a product of it's time! t-this article was released in february of 2019 you just can't hold it to modern standards!"
Times change. Fix it. The new image can be found here.
The second thing I notice is that the collapsible states that this is the "Comprehensive RPC-955 Cultural Development Log", and yet it's only two paragraphs (lmao). Either flesh this out a lot, or take the much easier route of retitling it as the "Partial RPC-955 Cultural Development Log". Your call.
The third thing I notice is that the log doesn't actually pertain to the cultural development of RPC-955? Like… at all? It's about its social structure. What it should be about, based on the title you gave it, is how exactly the culture evolved from the 1980s to where it is now in RPC-955. This is an excellent opportunity to expand on some of the worldbuilding and give it a little bit more soul.
- How do people communicate? Do they use Neuralink telepathy? Hologram voice calls? Good old SMS text? Do people even speak English anymore?
- This is New York City, but it seems bigger. Have the suburbs been absorbed into their own boroughs? How much further out does it go than baseline reality's NYC?
- What are the social norms? How is gender defined? What is frowned upon? How are criminals treated and punished?
- What are the street gangs like? Some good inspiration for this would be Batman comics + movies.
- What clothes do people wear? Do shoes have self-tying shoelaces? Did Google Glass take off? How about body mods?
- What do people do to entertain themselves?
- What happened to the government? Did it dissolve and get taken over by megacorporations? Is the military still around, or are the only militaries left corporate in nature?
- What kind of drugs do people do? Are poor people still doing up heroin? What kind of designer drugs are the elite taking? Are they anomalous in nature, like some of the tech?
- What kind of vehicles are people driving, if any? Flying cars (or are they restricted to the police like in Blade Runner)? Bikes? None at all? Is public transport/the subway still around?
- What religions do people subscribe to, if any?
- What's the slang? Do people say "schway" and "slammin'" like it's Batman Beyond?
- Where do people go when they die? Are they given a burial, or are their corpses shipped to the Soylent factory? Are they killed when they get old, like in Logan's Run?
I'm assuming you didn't re-consult the ACS guide while writing this, but there's really no excuse not to. It was written in July of 2018, and this article was written in February of 2019, and you even used it for 956's page.
- According to RPC-955-3-A representatives, a machine was built in the RPC-955 timeline that nearly nullified anomalies, and brought the ACS level of the timeline down to a 1.
You probably meant to say an ACS level of 4, since that's a little more stable than baseline reality (3.97). An ACS level of 1 is really bad. Re-read the guide and get back to me on this.
Why are they shoehorned in here? This paragraph comes out of nowhere, for no reason, and has no impact on the article.
- THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION HAS BEEN DECLASSIFIED FOR ALL PERSONNEL ABOVE LEVEL 0 CLEARANCE.
Level 0 clearance is CSDs and contractors. Level 1 is janitors, new staff, and those working in administrative and logistical positions. Why is this so important that every janitor in the Authority is allowed to access it?
- Notice: RPC-955 is not the group of interest catalogued as the "Righteous Central Protection Authority",
This clause doesn't make sense to put in here, because it's self-evident. This is an alternate cyberpunk dimension, the RCPA is an evil version of the Authority. It would be like having an article for a alternate dimension where everyone is a furry and a notice at the end that says "ATTENTION EVERYONE: THIS IS NOT KABUSHIKI KAWAII!" We know. There's nothing but a passing similarity, so it doesn't justify anything more than a footnote, if even that.
- nor does it have anything to do with this group of interest.
So why is this notice in here in the first place, and declassified to everyone past Level 0 clearance?
- Although the area depicted inside RPC-955 is notably similar to the timeline this group of interest originates from, it is entirely unrelated.
If it's entirely unrelated, there's no reason for it to be in the article.
- Sightings of the RCPA insignia within RPC-955 are to be reported to GD-01 immediately.
Why GD-01 specifically? In fact, why does a Global Director need to be bugged about it at all? Shouldn't this just be taken to the Senior Researcher for 955, or at most, the Site Director?
This shouldn't be in here either because it's a.) unlikely, since they've never been established to be here and b.) common sense. Of course if you see that Malthus, or the RCPA, or any other hostile GOI is beginning to establish a foothold somewhere, you should tell a higher-up, but nothing should be in the article until it's proven.
Just delete this whole section.
One of the main issues that this article really struggles with is clinical tone.
For example, you describe RPC-955 society in the Anthropology Department log as "blown up stereotypes" and that technological advancement has "jumped all over the place in seemingly random areas." Write it like you're an anthropologist looking at RPC-955's society. Don't project personal biases on it, just write what happens in a neutral tone.
Thankfully, these are less frequent, other than tonal issues.
- I already talked about the improper capitalization with Nucorp, but this is just a reminder to fix that.
- In this sentence: "Entrance to RPC-955 is entirely dictated upon whether or not the person accessing it has consumed large amounts of tonally dark science fiction media in their lifetime." - "dependent" is a better word choice than "dictated" in this case.
- "If the accessing person has not seen a significant amount of science fiction, they will instead manifest inside RPC-956." - "accessing person" is a clunky phrase. I would say "individual attempting to access RPC-955" instead.
- In this sentence: "RPC-955 can be accessed (provided the person accessing it meets the criteria described above) via a multitude of ways, the most prominent of which being that the person accessing it is;" - use a colon (:) instead of a semicolon (;) at the end.
- In this sentence: "RPC-955 is a reality that has splintered off from our own via the large consumption of the 1980's "dark futuristic" aesthetic in modern culture." - "via" is the wrong word to use here, say "due to" instead. Get rid of the apostrophe in "1980's", because that signifies something that specifically belongs to the year 1980 rather than the decade itself.
- In this sentence: "Proposals have been put forward to station trusted low-level personnel inside RPC-955 permanently, however no personnel have ever willingly asked to be stationed inside RPC-955 for a long enough time to become attached." - Add a comma after however.
- In this sentence: "NuCorp (hence referred to as RPC-955-3-A) is active inside RPC-955, and has a significant amount of influence over other factions, and several smaller street gangs." - the second comma is unnecessary. Replace the "and" after it with "as well as", since you already used "and" earlier in the sentence.
- In this sentence: "According to RPC-955-3-A representatives, a machine was built in the RPC-955 timeline that nearly nullified anomalies, and brought the ACS level of the timeline down to a 1." - The second comma is unnecessary. Reminder to fix the ACS level.
- In this sentence: "The creators of this machine have been assumed to be the RPC-955 equivalent of the Authority, however this has not been proven, merely suspected." - Change to "While not proven, the creators of this machine have been suspected to be RPC-955's equivalent of the Authority."
This article needs an exploration log. It is begging for an exploration log. The (account deleted) above me that said it wasn't a dealbreaker is a moron.
If you're truly starved for ideas, I have some:
- Attempting to leave New York City. I, for one, would like to see what cyberpunk!Vegas looks like.
- Exploring inside of a megacorporation's building.
- Exploring outside of the low-income slums.
- Exploring the sewers of NYC. Maybe you could have albino molemen or mutant alligator people living there.
- Exploring the space elevator.
There is so much you can do with this. Just do something.
In its current state, this is a 2/5. Great concept, poor execution. Fix it. This could be great, and you're a good writer when you want to be.
Okay, this is fairly interesting since I like cyberpunk, but there are a number of issues I have with this.
First of all, this version of NuCorp surely can't be our one, right? Our NuCorp is not an evil megacorporation, but this one is. Is it an alternate version that has been "cyberpunk-ed?"
Second of all, the fact that NuCorp is the only GoI that has a megacorporate counterpart here seems off to me. Especially not when there are seemingly better candidates for GoI megacorporations here. So, this needs to be clarified.
For example, since 80s cyberpunk generally envisions the world as being dominated by Japan, having a fusion of Western and Japanese culture, and having immoral corporations, guess what pre-existing GoI fits that perfectly? Kabushiki Kawaii.
I mean, they are already a dystopian, immoral megacorporation with ridiculous amounts of Japanese influence.
Also, maybe GEAR can be present as a megacorporation?
Also, some people have suggested exploration logs. But really, I want to see some demographic statistics for this world. I mean, this is an ecumenopolis. Surely, its going to have a massive population. Or not? Is there something anomalous going on with the population being lower than it logically should be?
I want to like this, but it needs to be fleshed out more and needs to make more sense in context of the rest of the worldbuilding.
/forum/t-10407426/rpc-955#post-