Rpc proposal: man on mosque
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/phoenixofhope
Here, please crit that, thank you.
Rpc proposal: The man in the mosque
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» Rpc proposal: The man in the mosque
Summary:
Now... East or Central Java?
I saw a number of easy-to-fix grammatical errors and word usage now and then through the article. But my best advice is to maybe look at other high rated articles on the site. The idea you have is there but I don't think you've reached that level of clinical quality the site expects. Sentences feel a little unprofessional and even poorly structured at times. Try looking at higher rated RPCs and get that level of feel when writing your second draft. Also that whole REDACTED REDACTED village thing is a little overkill. If the location is a secret, either just have one REDACTED or just black the whole thing out.
for the clinical part, it's mostly fixed now.
for the easy-to-fix grammatical error…. uh…
for the redacted one, can't do much with that, tbh.
thx.
Some grammar suggestions:
Containment Protocols:
Due to its isolated location and the agreement on cooperation between the Authority and the local civilians that resided on a village near the RPC-XXXX’s location, no constant observation is necessary. Location of RPC-XXXX's appearance is to be secured and maintained by one personnel, chosen from a local civilian that residing closest to RPC-XXXX’s location.
Might be better worded as
Containment Protocols:
Due to its isolated location, the agreement on cooperation between the Authority and the authorities for a village in the area surrounding the RPC-XXXX’s location, no constant observation is necessary. Manifestations of RPC-XXXX are to be located and tracked by one member of personnel, chosen from one of the local civilians residing closest to RPC-XXXX’s location.
(Although the premise that the authority is letting these villagers in on the secret is a little strange? I'm not sure why they'd involve so many people)
And this:
A small building that functioned as the Authority’s local base has been established and resided by two personnel, one is a local civilian and the other is from the Authority. The building was built in the middle of the said village.
Due to the crucial factor of RPC-XXXX’s location, All personnel and local civilian are allowed to use RPC-XXXX’s location for daily prayer. Communication with RPC-XXXX is also allowed with the addition that the conversation must be recorded and given to the RPC Authority’s local base for research purpose.
In the case of information breach attempt, subjects who breach the information are to be apprehended by the personnel who witness it and held said subject for questioning to the local base. Usage of Class-C amnestics may be approved by the Authority if deemed necessary.
Might be better worded as this
A small building requisitioned to function as the Authority’s local base within the area has been established, and is to be resided in by two personnel, one being a local civilian and the other from the Authority. The building is to remain in the middle of the said village.
Due to the nature of RPC-XXXX and its location, all on-site personnel and local civilians are allowed to use RPC-XXXX’s location for daily prayer. Communication with RPC-XXXX is also allowed with the condition that the conversation must be recorded and given to the local Authority personnel for posterity.
In the case of attempted information breaches, local civilians who breach the information are to be apprehended by a joint operation with local authorities and Authority personnel, with the subject to be held for or questioning to the local base. Usage of Class-C amnesics may be requested if deemed necessary.
Should an Alpha event occur, Authority staff and local populous are to be advised not to approach RPC-XXXX nor interrupt the process.
Which actually undoes my earlier criticism, I only realised when rewording it that you had a lot of cooperation in here between the authority and the locals, which I might've played up a little more than intended here in the re-wording, so I apologise for that in advance
Description: RPC-XXXX is an entity that manifests inside a local mosque located in [REDACTED] Village, [REDACTED] Forest, J███, I███████.
RPC-XXXX takes the form of a 60 years old male, wearing a white colored robe, measuring approximately 160 cm in height. It is unable to be touch by any physical object including human.
RPC-XXXX consistenly manifest at night, approximately 09:00 p.m local time inside the mosque. Usually observed to be sitting on the floor. RPC-XXXX also has been observed wandering around the mosque over time. RPC-XXXX will remain manifested until around 04:00 a.m local time, which at that moment, RPC-XXXX will begin to fade until dematerialize.
RPC-XXXX are capable of communicating with other person using J███████ language. RPC-XXXX usually recommend the person its interacted to do a midnight prayer inside the mosque. Conversation regarding its anomalous property or other subjects will result in a failure due to RPC-XXXX’s respond such as “only God who knows”.
Could be changed to
Description: RPC-XXXX is an entity that manifests inside a mosque located in [REDACTED] Village, [REDACTED] Forest, J███, I███████.
RPC-XXXX takes the form of a male in his early 60's, wearing a white colored robe, and measuring approximately 160 cm in height. It is unable to interact with any physical objects beyond the furnishings of the mosque.
RPC-XXXX consistently manifest at night, approximately 09:00 p.m local time, inside the mosque. RPC-XXXX will predominately sit on the floor of the mosque, but has been observed wandering around the building as time passes. RPC-XXXX will remain within the mosque until approximately 04:00 a.m local time, at which point RPC-XXXX will begin to fade until complete dematerialization.
RPC-XXXX is capable of communication while manifested, exclusively speaking the J███████ language. RPC-XXXX usually recommend any person that interacts with it to engage in a midnight prayer inside the mosque. Conversation inquiring upon it's anomalous properties, origins, or identity will invariably result in RPC-XXXX’s responding with “only God knows”.
I'd also recommend here not redacting some of the region, or at the very least the local language. I'm under the impression there's a real language you're thinking of, and a real place, so I feel like you may as well un-redact some of it, just to make the whole think feel a little more streamlined. I mean, this is a document about the containment of an anomaly- why would they redact the language it speaks or the country it's in? You can keep the exact town redacted if you want, but i think more detail there would be good
Addendum I: RPC-XXXX first came to Authority attention after a group of builders from a local social foundation came to the [REDACTED] village to improve the village's road access to another village. Several builders stated that they have witnessed RPC-XXXX at night. The story came to an Authority agent and immediately reported to the Authority. Upon questioning, the civilians stated that the entity has been there since 19██. In order to keep the secrecy of the anomaly, The Authority has shut down the construction project and given Amnestic to all builders on the location.
Addendum II: Every ██th November, approximately 11:00 p.m local time, an event which designated as Alpha event occurs. During this event, seven(7) instance with the form identified similarly as The Royal Netherlands East Indies Army, equipped with what it seems as M1941 Johnson rifle began to manifest from the forest, few meters from RPC-XXXX’s location. These entities are hereby known as RPC-XXXX-1. These RPC-XXXX-1 will begin to approach RPC-XXXX’s location.
Could be
Addendum I: RPC-XXXX first came to the Authority's attention after a group of builders from a local social foundation came to the [REDACTED] village to improve the village's road access. Several builders claimed to have witnessed RPC-XXXX manifesting at night, and accosting them for disturbing the peace. The story came to an Authority agent embedded in the region and an Authority survey team was immediately deployed. Upon questioning, the civilians stated that the entity has been there since 19██, and thus a deeply ingrained part of local culture. Amnestics were applied to all builders involved, and the construction project cancelled. Due to the isolated nature of the community surrounding RPC-XXXX, the level at which the anomaly is embedded within local culture and the willingness of local authorities to assist in maintaining the secrecy of RPC-XXXX, the Authority has engaged in a partnership with the local populous in order to share information and ensure the containment of RPC-XXXX.
Addendum II: Every ██th November, at approximately 11:00 p.m local time, a unique manifestation event, designated as Alpha event, occurs. During this event, seven(7) new instances dressed similarly to The Royal Netherlands East Indies Army, equipped with period appropriate weaponry, begin to manifest from the nearby forest, meters from RPC-XXXX’s location. These entities are hereby known as RPC-XXXX-1. Upon manifesting, RPC-XXXX-1 will begin to approach RPC-XXXX’s location, using the undergrowth as cover.
I don't really have much commentary here beyond that I did change a few details to make your intent clearer, which is a little out of the scope of what i set out to do, but hopefully fits your vision?
Anyway, for this final section:
While approaching, RPC-XXXX-1 will attempt to assault RPC-XXXX’s location via constant fire using the equipped weapon. Despite the constant fire, RPC-XXXX-1 does not seem to reload its weapon. RPC-XXXX-1 and its eqquiptment's shares the same characteristics as RPC-XXXX. With the exception of its weapon shot, which capable of damaging other physical objects including human. This damage does not apply on RPC-XXXX and RPC-XXXX’s location and simply pass through it. Contrasted with RPC-XXXX, RPC-XXXX-1 does not respond to any attempt on communication.
When RPC-XXXX-1 is considered to be close enough, RPC-XXXX will appear from the mosque and start to strike RPC-XXXX-1 using a machete. When RPC-XXXX finish terminating RPC-XXXX-1, RPC-XXXX will return to the mosque. RPC-XXXX-1’s corpse will disappear along with RPC-XXXX at the usual time and the Alpha event has finished.
Could be changed to:
While approaching, RPC-XXXX-1 will attempt to assault mosque via constant bursts of fire from their weaponry. Despite the unrelenting fire, RPC-XXXX-1 weaponry does not appear to require reloading. RPC-XXXX-1 entities and their equipment shares the same intangible characteristics as RPC-XXXX, with the exception of weapon discharged, which are capable of damaging other physical and entities which are caught between RPC-XXXX-1 and their targets. This damage does not apply to the mosque RPC-XXXX inhabits, and simply passes through it. Contrasted with RPC-XXXX, RPC-XXXX-1 does not respond to any attempt at communication and does not appear to be aware of other entities beyond RPC-XXXX.
When RPC-XXXX-1 entities are considered to be close enough, RPC-XXXX will appear from the mosque equipped with a machete and begin to strike any RPC-XXXX-1 instances within range. RPC-XXXX will invariably terminate all RPC-XXXX-1 instances, receiving several wounds in the shuffle, after which RPC-XXXX will return to the mosque, collapse, and immediately demanifest. RPC-XXXX-1 corpses will disappear at the usual time and at this point the Alpha event is considered to have finished.
I changed a few details here again, specifically making the RPC not immune to gunfire and instead be mortally wounded during the shuffle, immediately demanifesting once all the -1s are terminated. This is a pretty big change and is more just a thing i was going to suggest but instead put in, so feel free to change or remove that element if it matches your vision better, I don't really want to soft-rewrite your article in this draft stage or anything
For some misc stuff with this end portion, it's all worded perfectly fine but i have a few minor suggestions
Recovered Item: Found written on a wooden sign in front of RPC-XXXX’s location during the first investigation. Translated from I███████ language to the English language:
In memorial of:
H. ███████ (18██-19██)Killed by the dutch while protecting the mosque during the invasion.
This could be changed to be a wooden sign on the mosque dedicating the building to this person, or could be placed over a grave next to it? Probably not as much the grave, since as far as i'm aware muslims often build their mosques separate from their graveyards for a couple of cultural reasons but still. I think this works really well, and I do enjoy this article a ton
Due to its isolated location, and the agreement on cooperation between the Authority and the authorities for a village in the area nearby the RPC-XXXX’s location, no constant observation containment is necessary.
I say containment because there is no way the Authority would not watch this thing at the very least.
A small building requisitioned to function as the Authority’s local base within the area has been established, and is to be resided in manned by two personnel, one being a local civilian and the other from the Authority.
Communication with RPC-XXXX is also allowed with the condition that the conversation must be recorded and given to the local Authority personnel for posterity.
This would probably require the approval of someone higher up. You might want to mention that this cannot be done without the approval of at least a level 3 researcher or something.
In the case of attempted information breaches, local civilians or outsiders who breach the information are to be apprehended by a joint operation with local authorities or Authority personnel who witness it, with the subject to be held for or questioning to the local base.
If information breaches are a risk, why not just contain the entire village? I mean, just close it off to the public, build a fence around it, let no one in or out, that sort of thing.
RPC-XXXX is an entity that manifests inside a mosque located in K██████ Village, D██████ Forest, J███, I███████.
This doesn't help the reader in any way, I still have no idea where this is. At the very least state which country it is in for context.
It is unable to be interacted by any physical objects as any of those objects will simply pass through it.
Reword to:
The entity is intangible. Any and all objects that make contact with it simply pass through.
RPC-XXXX is capable of communication while manifested, exclusively speaking the J███████ language.
It would be better to say an unknown language or just outright state what the language is.
RPC-XXXX usually recommend recommends that any person thatit interacts with it to engage in a midnight prayer inside the mosque.
Upon questioning, the civilians stated that the entity has been there since 19██, and thus is a deeply ingrained part of the village.
Due to the isolated nature of the RPC-XXXX's manifested area, the level at which the anomaly is embedded within local village, and the willingness of local authorities to assist in maintaining the secrecy of RPC-XXXX, the Authority has engaged in a partnership with the local populous in order to share information and ensure the containment of RPC-XXXX.
During this event, seven add space(7) new instances dressed similarly to The Royal Netherlands East Indies Army, equipped with what it seems as M1941 Johnson rifle, begin to manifest from the nearby forest, ??? meters from RPC-XXXX’s location.
RPC-XXXX-1 entities and their equipment shares share the same intangible characteristics as RPC-XXXX, with the exception of the weapon weapons discharged, which are capable of damaging other physical and entities which are caught between RPC-XXXX-1 and their targets.
RPC-XXXX will invariably terminate all RPC-XXXX-1 instances, receiving several wounds in the shuffle engagment, after which RPC-XXXX will return to the mosque, collapse, and immediately demanifest.
7 guys armed with guns cannot take down one guy with a machete? Does he possess some form of resistance to damage? Out of everything here, that is the hardest thing for me to believe.
RPC-XXXX-1 corpses will disappear at the usual time and at this point the Alpha event is considered to have finished.
What is the usual time?
Test has Tests have shown that it was made around 19██. Translated from the I███████ language to the English language:
Are you referring to Iranian? Because if so it's fine to just say it.
This is a really neat RPC. A simple ghost story that shows up sometimes with a sad backstory. I really like what you did with this, I actually managed to feel empathy for the guy at the end.
My only issue is that 7 guys couldn't take down one guy, and the containment protocols are a little lax. I would simply mention that the one guy has some form of resistance when it comes to the dutch guys, and that will settle it. And change the containment protocols to have the Authority at least heavily regulate who goes in and out of the town.
Also for hazards I'd suggest: grouped and sentient, at the very least.
Nice work.
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