http://vizlox.wikidot.com/lost-in-the-cogs-part-1
I was going to wait until after the contest to finish this, but seeing as there have not been any tales submitted, I feel that I should finish this up now so we at least have something in the tales section.
This tale will be part one to a series.
Why are you entering a single part of a multi-tale series into a contest? And if you do so than it's a 2 stars, mainly because it then has to be judged on it's own merits, and this thing ends very anti-climatically.
I will have to see the rest of the series before I make my judgment on this article in particular.
Well, the rest doesn't have very much at all to do with the winter theme, although, please judge it on its own merits. You shouldn't rate it based on some future non existent article. I want it to stand on its own. The ending was not intended to be anti-climactic. Could you explain what made the ending anti-climactic?
Also, I don't see the value in waiting to post all of the articles at once. If I were to do that, it would take way too much time and I would lose the motivation to keep going. Also, posting each article individually allows me to get feedback as I go which would (hopefully) greatly improve the articles.
Anti-climatic was the wrong word, I just felt as if it didn't go anywhere. If you want to create a multi-tale series where a full story arch happens in each individual tale. Then go for it. Else I recommend stopping while your ahead. Because if you don't make each tale to be good on its own, you get the DC cinematic universe.
I want to make it good on its own but I need to know what its weak points are in order to improve it. Is it just not long enough? Should I extend it to include the next part?
make it have an actual story arch. that is all
Site director Junn,
Site Director Junn
regarding groups of interest
regarding the groups of interest
The attachment opened automatically. It was a text document, only half a page long. She read meticulously through it, then again.
Understated, but effective. I like this line, it just stuck out to me.
Stancher searches vehemently, begging silently that his mind isn’t playing tricks on him.
Vehemently is a strange word choice, I'd recomend something like "Stancher searches the landscape intensely, almost desperately". You mind playing tricks on you is generally though when you see something first, not before you do - would also suggest rephrasing that, it doesn't quite flow well (at least imo).
Just as he is about to lose hope, he sees something.
Should include some sense of the time; did he lose hope after the fifth sweep of the landscape? After a minute? After a few seconds?
*they see the white house*
To be honest, this section is kind of clunky. A disappearing house - like, honest to god, it's there one second and gone the next, and they go to find? Imo, not entirely clear in a rather short paragraph.
“Where the hell is it?” Stancher cries desperately and disoriented.
"disoriented" is not a descriptor for dialogue. Saying "Stancher cries, desperate and disoriented." would flow better.
*the ending where they are knocked out by gas*
Not bad in of itself, but the short paragraph doesn't really do it justice for me - "everybody gets knocked out by gas" is okay, but there's a reason it's a tired trope - imo, such a short and quick execution of that trope (with very little sense of the stakes, or context, or character - who is Stancher? Anything to characterize this MST, make them not feel so blandly cookie-cutter?) doesn't sell me on it.
To be honest, the whole MST scene is a bit awkward to read, and very short. As chrome said, it definitely feels like the intro to a Tale or something - without knowing what their mission is (why are they looking for this GEAR base?), what the stakes are, who the characters are, or even what was in the email's attachment - not even really a hint, besides "we know where they are (why is that important?)" - it all feels very incomplete. Structurally, it feels fairly weak on its own - the curse of being Part One of a series.
Final thoughts: I can't help but be reminded of the Halloween Contest's sole Tale entry - sure, we did have a Tale entry, but it was not very well written and ended up being deleted due to low votes afterwards. The Winter Contest doesn't need a Tale, and the sole tale will be read by everyone - it represents the site arguably more than the RPC entries. There is a great deal of potential here, but it definitely gets hurt by the rush of getting it ready for the deadline.
I'll be honest, since I had such a short time frame to review this under, I didn't look incredibly deep into it, but what I did read seems very well written. All I would suggest is that you change "trying to make due with the short window of time he has." in the last paragraph to "trying to make due with the short window of time they have," since this is a team mission, right?
