Ghosts of Cactus Springs

Re: Ghosts of Cactus Springs

Sun, 10 Sep 2023 01:47:15 +0000

Crit as requested on Discord. I'll try to make it brief, because I know you're understandably impatient to get the article done. (Note: I did not end up "making it brief")

+ review

- review

Conprots

These are totally fine on their own, but they leave me with some weird feelings after reading the full article. From the beginning, it gives away the plot point that the creatures need radiation to survive, but that's not necessarily a problem. What's weirder is that I don't think I've ever read a story that starts with an epilogue. It's one thing to have a "bookend", but the conprots include events that occurred after the story in the article. Are either of these things a problem? I can't say, but it definitely makes for a weird structure.

What I'm confident is an issue is that "im_sorry.pdf" doesn't make sense in the timeline of the article. It was presumably written after the radiation was discovered, but before Dr. Hanson's hospitalization? However, it seems like the former event happened after the latter in the actual plot. Definitely weird.

Description

There's not much to say. It's an improvement from the original article in clarity and professionalism. The long part about their necks did nothing for me, though. In hindsight I can see it's foreshadowing for the origin of the creatures and of Dr. Hanson's overattachment, but it's not particularly relevant knowledge in the moment.

Temporary Descriptor

It always feels like a strange reference when I use this for serious crit, but the Writers Guide provides a very good equation: "Strike Through - Context = Confused Readers". Having read the full article, I get that it's supposed to be a desperate request from one man that wasn't taken seriously, but all the reader sees is a request that was turned down without explanation.

Also…

assisted by MST Sierra-8 Investigators on 12/04/2002.

I'm assuming the year is supposed to read "2004". If so, he doesn't even mention this in the note he writes the day after the autopsy was requested to take place. Talk about a non-sequitur.

Sudden Deaths of Multiple RPC-230 Instances

This part is basically repeating the previous one. Could you condense these down into one section? This one is preferable, though, as it has a lot more context and story. It's difficult to depict a "decline in sanity" through text logs, but I think this handles it in a fairly elegant way.

Findings on the Ecological Impact of RPC-230’s Existence

I'm convinced this section is unnecessary. What does this section provide? It speculates that RPC-230 may emit radiation and suggests that the staff should be physically screened. The next collapsible repeats those same exact points and more. Save for the beautiful furless sheep pic, I don't think this section contributes anything.

The Zoology of RPC-230

This resolves the conflict of the unexplained deaths in a convincingly formal way, with the kind of scientific writing that adds flavor to an article. It also sets up the later narrative of the article with Dr. Hanson's disease. Overall a pretty flawless part with no inherent issues.

What I don't get is how it's treated in the article. For some reason, this particular report is referred to repeatedly as providing evidence that RPC-230 was formerly human. How? I see nothing here to indicate this. If anything had suggested it so far, it was probably the exoskeletal theory, not this.

Discovery

The following discovery section is one of the strangest parts of the article. It's an exposition dump that feels completely unearned and doesn't connect with the previous section. The ideas in it are fine, but what gives?

It took me a while to figure out why I found this so offputting, but eventually I realized: it's not a reveal at all. The anomaly's entire history is information that the Authority would've had access to from the beginning, but it's withheld until this point and treated as a game-changing twist.

It's occurred to me that it needs to be withheld like this, because, were it laid out at the start, the origin of RPC-230 would've been obvious. I'm unconvinced that "the findings presented by Dr. Hadley" were a "missing link", or that they contained any relevant information at all for that matter. How could you reveal the identity of RPC-230 naturally? A good mystery needs a clue, so another question to ask is how much information the Authority can know at the start without making the truth instantly apparent.

Incident Logs

The first log is misleadingly placed, since the date comes before the zoology report. This is another case where putting it earlier would make the meaning too on-the-nose, but it's not as egregious this time. I still don't like the juxtaposition of "this event happened, now it hasn't happened yet". Narrative gaslighting, which makes confused and uncertain readers. Generally, this is why sticking to a mostly forward time progression in an article is the safest choice. Could this part happen somewhere earlier but still maintain subtlety?

The disconnect is made more egregious by the fact that the next incident takes place on the same day as the "Sudden Deaths of Multiple RPC-230 Instances" log—about 1/3 of the article ago! I don't have anything else to say about the second incident, though. It moves the story along well and marks the point when the chronology basically settles itself for the remainder of the article.

Quarantine Chamber Footage

This "indistinct audio" is functionally identical to annoying redactions, just with a different name. I find it particularly farcical that only the most important words are muffled in each sentence. This isn't the first article I've seen to try this gimmick (the other being Brodude's GRP-003), and honestly I've been rooting for someone to finally do it right, but I wasn't a fan of it here. It's just a lot of noise on the first read, and some blanks still require a lot of creativity even with context:

Director Gardner: —[indistinct]—

Dr. Lodge: Look, I don't care how touched you are with his —[indistinct]—

Director Gardner: I'm not —[indistinct]—

Dr. Lodge: Then you're —[indistinct]—

Director Gardner: I'm not —[indistinct]—

Dr. Lodge: You're —[indistinct]—

Director Gardner: —[indistinct]—

This line is pretty good though, haha:

Dr. Lodge: Right, you have to —[indistinct]— with the local zoo.

I can't say I've caught on to what makes Dr. Lodge act like a snarky prick to Dr. Hanson at first. I could infer he would be angry about the breach in general, but that doesn't seem to be the case, unless "I'm sorry" was supposed to be an admission of that fact. Otherwise, I believe you knew what you were doing well with this part.

Autopsy Report

Not the first article I've seen to end on an autopsy report like this, and once again I don't feel whatever the intended impact was. I suppose there's an irony to how he kept demanding an autopsy and it turned out that he would be an instance of RPC-230 analyzed after death, but it didn't feel that way in the article. It's just a low note after the high-impact video log.

Conclusion

I don't think this counts as a Missing RPC article. The anomalies technically being cryptids and a mention of "hikers and travelers" doesn't cut it; it's an "event", not a "cryptid-themed contest". This theme feels especially out-of-place for a story that mostly involves drama between research personnel in Site-002.

While this is a definite improvement over the original, it has certain issues with pacing and communicating its ideas. I believe it could use a significant revision before release. Furthermore, while I don't mind this rewrite, and I accept that the original RPC-230 is a dated and lacking article, I think it's odd to keep rewriting history by replacing simple, iconic articles with longer remakes that nobody asked for. That's the same thing SCP is infamous for, after all.

- review

+ line-for-line

Re: Ghosts of Cactus Springs

Sat, 09 Sep 2023 05:11:36 +0000

ConProcs

+++

Description

+++

Discovery

+++

Incident Logs

+++

SuppDocs

+++

Final Thoughts

Overall, it’s okay. Competent writing, okay set up. The pacing is a little weird, kind of bounces around a bit going from Hanson being alive to a note saying he’s dead to the discovery log that includes stuff they apparently figured out because of Hanson’s death, and then we get logs with Hanson when he was still alive. Overall I don’t really think I have a lot to add to what people in this thread have already said much better than I could, other than to add that I also think it needs a little more fleshing out.

Re: Ghosts of Cactus Springs

Wed, 06 Sep 2023 00:02:11 +0000

I've reread your article twice about now and have not found anything that is lacking. Grammar wise your article is perfect. The story is good too. You've detailed everything about this anomaly from its down to is biology. The detail you've placed in this draft alone is astonishing. The ending is not rushed and I very much love the reference you have made to Doctor House from hit American show House M.D. Though in my personal opinion the characters character and that of Dr. House seem a bit too similar. I dont know if you have any plans to develop said character in the future for something more than Dr. HOUSE but in RPCverse, but the character shows potential and is a good addition to the article. Overall I would rate this a 5/5 stars.

Re: Ghosts of Cactus Springs

Tue, 05 Sep 2023 16:02:21 +0000

+ gooba gooba goo

containment protocols

RPC-230 is entities are to be kept in a secure off-site containment facility 30km southwest of Site-002 add comma codenamed 'Sugar.' The living habitat containing RPC-230 entities must be maintained to simulate the forested semi-arid environment of the surrounding mountain range and contain an ample source of water.

paragraph was worded a bit weirdly. better to refer to them as "RPC-230 entities" in the first sentence to immediately communicate to the reader that we're dealing with a grouped anomaly. also, using "is" makes it seem like you're talking about a singular entity, i.e. "he is", "it is"

Instances of RPC-230 are to be fed a steady omnivorous diet of the flower of and the and de-spined flesh of barrel cacti, meat of a whitetail deer, and/or several other flora and fauna native to the state of Nevada and the surrounding Mojave Desert.

RPC-230 is entities are to be contained in a terrestrial containment chamber #032 in the Beta Sector.

the beta sector of what? also i'd suggest giving title capitalization to "terrestrial containment chamber #032", as it seems to be a singular place

The interior of the containment chamber is to be maintained to simulate a forested area add comma with the climate control system set to maintain a dry and arid environment and to contain an in-ground water source.

RPC-230 is instances are to be fed a steady omnivorous raw meat and desert foliage diet.

In the case of a containment breach, containment personnel is are to attempt entity recontainment utilizing non-lethal means.

description

RPC-230 is a collective designation for a group of bipedal humanoid entities appearing, in adult form, approximately 175cm tall; with pale, leathery skin; lacking forelimbs; a unified body and head with no neck; and two, three-jointed digitigrade legs.

this is just one sentence, and the amount of semicolons and awkward wording gets me lost halfway through. i'd suggest rewording to something along the lines of:

RPC-230 is a collective designation for a group of bipedal humanoid entities, appearing approximately 175cm tall in adult form. Instances possess pale, leathery skin, and lack forelimbs. In addition, specimens have a unified body and head with no neck, and a pair of three-jointed digitigrade legs.

It is currently unknown whether RPC-230 instances are inherently albino, or if this is caused by a singular mutation that is made chronic due to uncontrolled inbreeding.

The unified upper body of RPC-230 entities exhibits several calcified protrusions emerging from either flank, in the front three-quarters of their bodies, nearing the mouth at the front.

what do these protrusions look like? are they short, long?

RPC-230 instances exhibited exhibit an omnivorous diet and were are documented to have consumed a plethora of flora in the lush environment of Mt. Charleston add period and to Specimens have hunted down desert lizards, small birds, and even large terrestrial mammals such as deer and sheep.

why'd you suddenly change to past tense? were they previously omnivorous, but not anymore? also this entire paragraph is one kinda awkward sentence, so i tried splitting it into two, which i think flows better.

RPC-230 has have also shown excellent adaptability and survivability traits and has have exhibited a migratory pattern, with few instances being spotted as far as Fresno, CA add comma USA in response to a widespread Authority containment operation in their native habitat of Mt. Charleston in Nevada.

Maybe this will be the time that they will see that I need to do what I do best.

sentence simply felt clunky.

discovery

The findings presented within this paper were the result of the dissection of RPC-230-29, the fifth entity to have suddenly died add period and It was preserved by Dr. Robert Hanson.

unedited, this sentence reads as if dr. hanson has preserved all the dead 230 instances.

No exterior ulcers or lacerations were seen on the corpse, and no abnormal patches or of infected and necrotic tissue was were seen on the skin.

i'm a bit unsure about this sentence's correction, so please feel free to talk to me on discord about it :)

The pre-dissection MRI imaging of the entity found significant cellular degradation throughout the body and add comma, which was confirmed by the primary dissection of the internal cavity.

However, with the scope of the growth, and as suggests a theory suggested provided by Dr. Graham Lodge, who had assisted me with the dissection, the cause of the tumor growth may have been environmental exposure.

However, since the containment chamber was found to be perfectly sterile, even against Radon gasses, Dr. Lodge indicated that it might have been the entity's lack of autophagy that induced the tumorous growths, which ionizing radiation assisted them.

As a result, a traveler passing through the town noted in his memoirs that the inhabitants of Cactus Springs appeared sicklish sickly pale.

This event made its way onto into the local newspaper, which Authority operatives have since redacted, and the traveler amnesticized.

which local newspaper? it sure can't be cactus springs lol

The first RPC-230 instance was taken to into Authority custody in early 2002, with the remaining 29 apprehended in the following months.

incident logs

why is it incident logs? there's only one.

Below is a list of incident logs incidents caused either directly or indirectly by RPC-230.

230 caused the incident logs? what are you saying, that they wrote up the notes themselves?

supplementary documents

The microphone managed manages to pick up some of their muffled dialogue.

Oh, better yet, you should've just let him —[indistinct]— and we're we all would be spared from this —[indistinct]—

The airlock hisses which woke wakes up Dr. Hanson. The inner chamber door opens and Dr. Lodge approaches Dr. Hanson's bed, remove comma, replace with period he is seen carrying a clipboard.

Dr. Lodge glances a peek at the clipboard he is carrying and places it on the footboard of Dr. Hanson's bed add period

You see, a friend of mine, got clearance to dissect that cadaver you preserved before you ended up here and scaring scared the crap out of the entire site.

He walks onto into the locker to start undressing his HAZMAT suit, and seems to be indistinctly talking with Director Gardner.

the amount of detail you put into the biology of these creatures is really cool, and the explanation for why they need radiation is interesting.
i'll also suggest putting the attachment ids (230/01, 230/02, etc) in the collapsible links, so the audience immediately knows what you're talking about when they read those footnotes. something like "+ [230/01] Theories on the Exoskeletal Structure of RPC-230".
the "plague" bit kinda comes out of nowhere. there should be some sort of update after the description, but before attachment 230/02, explaining how 230 instances have been dying off.
the bit about the 230 instances being mutated humans is interesting, but it doesn't do much with that fact other than explain the origin of 230's relationship with radiation. also, why did the people in cactus springs refuse to move out? why did they want to stay?
"a sense of beauty that they could never comprehend?" you seem to imply that hanson cares a lot about this anomaly, but you don't really go anywhere with this passion angle and instead go straight to him getting cancer. there isn't really anything here to make me care for the characters of robert hanson and graham lodge. this article is mostly made up of research documentation on the 230 instances, and i enjoyed that stuff, don't get me wrong, but it doesn't leave much impact with the ending. i like the idea of the ending, but its execution doesn't hold up well in conjunction with the rest of the article.

sorry dude, this is very competently written, but it overall didn't work for me.

Re: Ghosts of Cactus Springs Crit

Sun, 03 Sep 2023 16:16:44 +0000

Open Da Crit?

Close Za Crit!

The picture was posted under the CC0/Public Domain license.
To

The photo was posted under the CC0/Public Domain license.

The living habitat containing RPC-230 entities must be maintained to simulate the forested semi-arid environment of the surrounding mountain range and contain an ample source of water.
To

The semi-arid environmental climate habituated by RPC-230 entities must be supported. In addition, surrounding mountain ranges must maintain ample water sources.

and the despined
To

and the de-spined

barrel cacti; meat of a whitetail deer; and/or
To

barrel cacti, the meat of a whitetail deer, and/or

utilized in accordance with the approval of the attending head researcher.
To

deployed per the approval of the attending head researcher.

climate control maintaining a
To

climate control, maintaining a

environment, and to contain
To

environment and to containing

RPC-230 is to be fed a steady omnivorous diet of raw meat and desert foliage.
To

RPC-230 is to be fed a steady omnivorous raw meat and desert foliage diet.

chamber on a biweekly basis for any damages
To

chamber on a biweekly basis for any damages

released on 21/02/2007, or
To

released on 21/02/2007, or

approximately 175cm tall; with pale,
To

approximately 175cm tall; with pale,

albinism present in all instances.
To

albinism present in all instances.

inherently albino, or are
To

inherently albino, or are

that is made chronic
To

that is made chronic

is still currently debated among Authority biologists.
To

is still currently debated among Authority biologists.

to be a difficult endeavor, to say the least.
To

to be a challenging endeavor, to say the least.

Although, I should specifically say that identifying the physiognomy of these creatures is nigh impossible; the top brass still hasn't given me the go-ahead to take a biopsy sample.
To

Although determining the physiognomy of these creatures is nigh impossible, the top brass still hasn't given me the go-ahead to take a biopsy sample.

I am quite certain that
To

I am positively sure that

The connection between the heart and the brain is, without a doubt, the most important connection between every single vertebrate out there. The heart pumps blood to oxygenate the brain, and the nervous system extends down the spine to allow the body to actually move. Simply said: these creatures do have necks, and with them, jugular arteries.
To

The connection between the heart and the brain is, without a doubt, the most critical connection between every vertebrate. The heart pumps blood to oxygenate the brain, and the nervous system extends down the spine to allow the body to move. These creatures do have necks and, with them, jugular arteries.
Note: The Nervous System doesn't extend down the spine. The spine and all the nerve endings throughout the body are the nervous system.
Note: Since this is in a clinical tone, be specific. The "Vagus Nerve" is the junction between the heart and brain. This is true for all mammals.

RPC-230 instances exhibit an omnivorous
To

RPC-230 instances exhibited an omnivorous

an inherent trait, or that
To

an inherent trait, or whether

There is currently no evidence that RPC-230 instances are capable of reproduction, or are in possession of sexual organs.
To

There is no evidence that RPC-230 instances can reproduce in large part due to the lack of sexual organs.

Graham Lodge who had
To

Graham Lodge, who had

Dr. Lodge suggested that
To

Dr. Lodge indicated that

I have come to the conclusion that
To

I have concluded that

Ghosts of Cactus Springs

Sun, 03 Sep 2023 12:18:33 +0000

Here's how we can bring the plug walk emote back:

http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/hellsverg