I am kinda curious, if there ever was a threat to Earth as a whole, would this turtle be like, a defense mechanism? Just a weird thought.

Otherwise, a fantastic article that ends at just the right length (which is commemorable in it of itself) 5/5, easily.

Why would a trucker have a dash camera in 1988, a time well before dash cams became common?

It's not impossible that the company could have mandated dashcams or that the trucker decided to put it there, merely just an unlikely circumstance that did occur. I have removed the footage anyway, though.

Why refer to the mushrooms as Enokitake when they're better known as Velvet Shank mushrooms in the continental US?

The form of Enokitake used in the article is specifically the cultivated Enokitake, or cultivated flammulina velutipes. I have yet to see any references to "cultivated Velvet Shank" which doesn't result in a different kind of mushroom being described.

Is the turtle effected by its own cognitohazard?

Yes. It's in the log of acquisition.

If the alien satellite was likely to cause catastrophic damage to earth, why was only a single ship dispatched after it?

At the time, only the one vessel was close enough to intercept the satellite. It was operating too fast for other vessels to be dispatched in time before it was too late. I don't know much about the RPC space force though so I may have just said 17 incorrect things.

• What is "Wafer's Memetic Inoculation Eyewear?"
• Why would a trucker have a dash camera in 1988, a time well before dash cams became common?
• Why did the turtle specifically grow a named kind of mushroom, and not a structure resembling a named mushroom?
• Why refer to the mushrooms as Enokitake when they're better known as Velvet Shank mushrooms in the continental US?
• Is the turtle effected by its own cognitohazard?
• If the alien satellite was likely to cause catastrophic damage to earth, why was only a single ship dispatched after it?
• Why would you task an entire MST for a single anomaly that seems to generally not break containment very often, or is not particularly motivated to do so- you make no mention of attempts by the turtle to escape.

Just not my kind of article

This RPC is a collaborative work by Almarduk, TheGreatTarbolin69, and myself.

Both images are ones that I have heavily edited to fit the article, from what I believe to be CC-compliant sources.

This RPC came one day as a complete joke when we were fucking around in discord chat, a dreadfully-evil being that strikes fear into the hearts of everyone, which really is just a turtle. We kept piling on more and more ideas and next thing we knew we, like compulsive addicts, had a draft set up. We all (mostly I) put this article off for a year, hope you enjoy it.

It's been an absolute pleasure to write alongside these people, they are some of the best writers on the site in my opinion.

Oh yeah, this is an entry to the Budget Cuts contest.