I've tried fiddling with your suggestion, as I do value and seriously consider your feedback. However, I wanted to demonstrate with incident 1 that incidents don't always have to be major breaches, disasters leading to tragic body counts. And incident 2 was supposed to reveal a previously unknown function of the plant that it can do this emergency function to save the baby's life upon detecting host death.

I can't bring myself to delete those, but I have reordered the collapsibles in order of priority: Discovery -> Interviews -> Defects -> Incidents.

Hope that improves the flow of the article.

I will mention that personnel also require the appropriate clearance to visit their pregnant RPC-?-2 family member. As I said, only clinic staff may take pictures of the bare belly with the leaf on it, just for medical records. Civilian-type photography is still technically permitted, as long as the RPC-?-2 covers up with a shirt or jumper or somesuch.

Moral support is always good for RPC personnel who have to be confined for 9 months. CSD won't be getting the luxury of family visits, alas.

Which reuses the word "family members".

I mean, I could merge the sentences and change the second instance of "family members" to "the latter". I'll do that.

Just state if the family members need to undergo amnestics or if you find that the lazier approach, you could… create an elaborate excuse as to why the family of Authority personnel don't find it strange that a leaf is exuding out from the naval.

I think you misunderstand. The family members mentioned in the Discovery Log are civilian family members of the civilian RPC-?-2s, and are not the same as the RPC personnel family members mentioned under Containment Procedures.

Wouldn't that create unnecessary pressure on the womb? Similar to growths?

Nah, it loosens up and stretches as the womb changes. They're not hard and gnarly tree roots. Don't worry about it.

-Changed "gushing" to "expressing".
-Removed "quietly".
-Tweaked the clunky miscommunication bit, made it its own sentence.
-Aaah, I wouldn't call this bodyhorror. It's more of a symbiotic thing.
-Changed the more informal "flailing" bit to "Gestures frantically"
-Oh, not all were delusional. But most of them were certainly expecting a 5-star beach holiday at the Sheraton or Hilton or whatever else along with their "miracle medical treatment".
-Jo Mallory isn't that delusional, she's just the nasty sort of woman that loves to make up having dangerous conditions to make herself seem more dangerous. Kind of like that one woman in the States who caused a courthouse stampede by lying about having the Coronavirus, just to get out of a drug charge. Naturally, when found out to be false and having wasted police/medic time, she had way more charges slapped on her bill.
-Changed the second usage of "drama" to "incident".

Incident 2 is meant to show that the plant has an emergency effect that kicks in upon detecting host death, with the goal of preserving the foetus' wellbeing at all costs up until delivery. It's supposed to end on a bittersweet note to show that even if the mother died, the plant kept the baby safe and continued to care for it until delivery.

Lastly… I imagine the babies themselves will still follow the whole "nature vs nurture" thing as they grow up into kids and adults. Being supported by a plant shouldn't affect them too much mentally, aside from those who have to live with their semi-plant conditions knowing they're not fully human.

Thank you for the crit.

Considering the real meat of the article are the six interviews at the end, I believe that shortening the amount of time one spends with the article before you get there is a good idea.

asides from that, this is yet one of your best works and im glad this one is about my GoI

keep it up champ.

+5

These two lines conflict. So you're saying you can't capture a sonographic photo of the -1 because it is so apparent in terms of visibility, yet you would allow the -2 instance's family members have visitation rights?

I was trying to say is that -2s cannot take bare-bellied pictures of themselves, whether it be as mementos or to show off to the rest of the family. The only photographs permitted of the bare belly with the leaf sprouting out of it is for clinical/medical purposes only, and to only be kept within Site-008. Family members who have visitation rights are naturally only fellow RPC personnel who'd have the clearance granted to visit.

Could definitely reword it. I'll also emphasize that no photography is permitted by non-medical personnel. The plant is quite visible - imagine it looking like a big leaf wrapped over the gravid belly kinda like this.

Wouldn't they be able to observe the process over MRI or inspect organic samples for antihistamine chemicals, like the ones used during pregnancy or for dermatological conditions?

Given how precise your clinical prose has been thus far, "it is believed" expresses the sentence as if the scientists wouldn't have a way to gauge this, when they clearly can.

They could MRI it, but I was thinking as this was a relatively new thing to study they're still hypothesizing on the plant's mechanisms. Maybe they could take samples once it's grown larger, yeah.

Question. How is the baby delivered without any complication at all given the roots are blocking the ovaries and critical parts of the womb? I'm assuming its a c-section?

Nope, the roots only surround the womb, and do not grow around/get in the way of the birth canal. Plus I imagine they'd be a tad flexible as well. The protection is more of a shock absorption thing so I imagine they'd give way to a scalpel easily enough if a C-section is required.

Not sure if its a different spelling as I've seen alternative spellings of other words but isn't it supposed to be "Gynecological"?

Interchangeable British-American spelling differences, don't worry about it.

reproductive infertility as either confirmed through an outside physician or by Site-008's own medical personnel.

It's not necessary to know where they obtained the record of their infertility so I would nix everything past 'infertility."

For containment protocols, the generally accepted format is to provide brief guidelines for already known terms. And, that the description should handle the defining of new terms / designations such as RPC-?-2. I would leave out "Upon successful implantation, the female volunteer is hereby designated RPC-?-2." as the containment protocols works fine without needing to define RPC-?-2. Perhaps, add "All" next to "conception" to modify it it reflect this change. The general vagueness allows for a sense of intrigue and explicitly states what the researchers need to do above all, even without knowing what RPC-?-2 is.

Additionally, this makes sequential sense to include the designation of RPC-?-2 AFTER the designation of RPC-?-1 which is found later in the description.

Due to the prominent visibility of RPC-?-1 during this stage, photography of RPC-?-2's gestating belly is disallowed except for clinical monitoring. Personnel who are partners/family members of RPC-?-2s are granted limited visitation rights, dependent upon their own off-site assignments.

These two lines conflict. So you're saying you can't capture a sonographic photo of the -1 because it is so apparent in terms of visibility, yet you would allow the -2 instance's family members have visitation rights?

The contradiction here is that one sentence says "this thing must remain unseen" and the other sentence goes "by the way, these people may visit the mother, who would have -1 prominently visible" which I can assume can literally mean that it is physically bulging through the stomach.

I would nix "Personnel who are partners/family members of RPC-?-2s are granted limited visitation rights, dependent upon their own off-site assignments."

Without reading the further descriptions and logs that might provide context to this specific guideline inclusion, it's off-putting to the reader at first.

The spent RPC-?-1 is to be extracted from the volunteer and incinerated once RPC-?-3

The word "spent" is vague here when used in the context of a clinical document. Unless you mena RPC-?-1 is a currency. I would find a synonym for it.

Succinct use of terminology and well constructed sentences thus far.

Without usage of its anomalous property,

the* usage of its…

(hereby referred as RPC-?-1)

referred to* as…

it is believed that RPC-?-1 begins secreting localized antihistamines.

Wouldn't they be able to observe the process over MRI or inspect organic samples for antihistamine chemicals, like the ones used during pregnancy or for dermatological conditions?

Given how precise your clinical prose has been thus far, "it is believed" expresses the sentence as if the scientists wouldn't have a way to gauge this, when they clearly can.

I would replace "believed" with "ascertained" or some synonym thereof.

normal, and ovulates without fail at day 14 of the menstrual cycle.

No need for a comma here.

as pregnancy progresses

missing an article before "pregnancy". Put "the" before it.

Sampling of this fluid

Missing determiner "a" if the "sampling" is a singular noun.

Upon birth of the child (RPC-?-3), RPC-?-1 rapidly ages and withers.

Question. How is the baby delivered without any complication at all given the roots are blocking the ovaries and critical parts of the womb? I'm assuming its a c-section?

I'm having a hard time visualizing this in my head given the vivid descriptions you've provided as to how the plant organism works with the host mother and how the roots integrate with organs.

Gynaecological

Not sure if its a different spelling as I've seen alternative spellings of other words but isn't it supposed to be "Gynecological"?

[WILL POST MORE CRIT, BRB IN 1 HOUR.]

Below the two tab clusters.

UPDATE: Posted under http://www.rpc-wiki.net/rpc-603