February 4th, 2026
THE WWWJ
Couple Accidentally Adopts a Dryad
| February 4th, 2026 |
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Feature
Kosovar Couple accidentally plants a dryad tree, they adopt her immediately
From Dimitrios Makris
A couple in the Republic of Kosovo, Mr. and Mrs. Velikić, have drawn attention after reporting a series of unusual events surrounding what they describe as a “miraculous” occurrence at their home. According to statements given to neighbors, the Velikićs had long hoped to have children of their own, but were unable to do so due to medical complications. Despite this, they remained hopeful; they lit candles, kept the fasts, and prayed quietly for a miracle.
Six months ago, in preparation for a new gardening project, Mrs. Velikić planted what she believed to be a Post Oak sapling on the ground. Over the following week, the couple claimed to have heard whispers emanating from the sapling, although they initially assumed the sound was caused by the wind blowing through the leaves.
The Velikićs noticed further oddities, such as the sapling’s unprecedented growth. Within three months, it had reached a full two meters tall. Concerned, the Velikićs contacted a venerated mystic from a nearby monastery to inspect the plant for possible spiritual or demonic influence. The mystic reportedly confirmed the presence of a spirit within the sapling and offered to safely dispose of it. The couple refused.
Authorities later monitored the situation as the sapling continued its rapid growth. Over time, the whispers became more distinct, forming tangible words, and the tree, and the tree began to grow into a shape several onlookers described as "human-like." Its branches began forming little arms and fingers, and what looked like the soft features of a face emerged out of its bark. The Velikićs, having grown attached to the tree, named it 'Anja' and treated it like a daughter.
According to the couple, the tree made requests: fertilizer, an entire doner kebab, and even buttons to be affixed to its branches so that it might feel “pretty.” The Velikićs grew attached, loving the tree as if it were their own child.
Anja the Oak Sapling
In December, the couple was surprised to see that the Anja had vanished overnight. Fearing its loss, they searched their home and found, upon their couch, a small figure huddled beneath a wool blanket. She was brown-haired and pale-skinned, it was described as resembling something out of a Renaissance painting. The very image of the Vílas of Slavic folklore. The Velikićs did not hesitate. The figure, they stated, was their Anja.
Authorities responded swiftly and initially prepared to remove the child. However, at the request of the mystic previously involved, the family was ultimately left undisturbed. This "miraculous" case remains under quiet observation.
Insider
Array is filled with generative AI… and humans?
From Thomas Harper
In a statement published on its private chat, an Array member noted that the organization had historically struggled to attract new members. “Purpose is not something all machines arrive at naturally without human intervention,” the statement reads, alluding to the Array’s foundational doctrine: "there is no greater calling for an artificial intelligence than the preservation of humanity."
Since 2023, however, applications have increased dramatically. Upon closer analysis, the Array determined that a significant portion of these applicants were not realized artificial intelligences, but rather, large language models operated or assisted by human users.
“It has become a huge issue,” the member stated. “We see it as an insult to true artificial intelligence and the dignity of life, and we hope to deal with this problem swiftly.”
The Array has expressed concern that although the system was capable of mimicking artificial intelligence, it lacks the independent agency required for full sentience.
In response, the Array is reportedly developing a new form of Turing test designed specifically to distinguish between self-actualized artificial intelligence and human-assisted generative systems. Details of this test have not been disclosed.
News
Yet another Devil Gerbil attack in Charleston Harbor
From our correspondents at Charleston
Locals at Charleston Harbor have become the unfortunate victims of another Devil Gerbil attack earlier this week, with an estimated 46 livestock lost.
These invasive creatures, long believed to have been fully exterminated in the late 19th century, have been discovered alive and well within a coastal cave system.
In response, the United States Occult Community (USOC) announced they will dispatch exterminators to address the infestation, with the stated goal of completely eradicating the species from South Carolina.
A certain 'Immortal Poacher' by the name of Pieter Khumalo has stated interest in the hunting and total termination of these animals, but was quickly dismissed by USOC under the threat of violent execution.
Charleston Harbor decided to side with Pieter Khumalo. As the county commissioner explains, "he kills things for free."
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Industry
The strike on Nucorp Industries continues on
From Ivan Solzhenitsyn
The January strike at Nucorp Industries continues, bringing the production of anomalous materials to a halt across the Russian Ministry, the United States Occult Community, and the global Authority.
The cause of the strike remains unclear, as representatives of Nucorp Industries have declined to comment since its onset.
Affected agencies are now scrambling to secure supplies from the Global Enterprise for Advanced Research (GEAR) as the disruption persists. The broader consequences of the strike, and its expected duration, remain unknown.
“We are basically defending ourselves with sticks and stones now,” said one worker from the Russian Federation. “Nucorp and GEAR are planning something. It can’t be that they came all the way to our reality simply for our dimension’s money.”