STRESS BUDDY™ by Amazing! Co.
This page is an archive for a contest entry that was hosted at a special URL. The article has since been ported to the main site as RPC-013.
Registered Phenomena Code: 013
Object Class: Alpha White Beta Purple
Hazard Types: 
Tychokinetic Hazard 
Emotional Hazard 
Climatological Hazard 
Immeasurable Hazard
Containment Protocols:
RPC-013 is currently stored within a standard safety deposit box on Site-007's anomalous object wing.
As of 09/18/2010, RPC-013's preliminary testing period has concluded and the item has been reclassified as a Lesser Anomalous Object. Transfer to Site-016 ("The Warehouse") has been scheduled for 10/20/2010.
Update: In lieu of recent events, RPC-013's object class has been updated to Beta Purple.
RPC-013 has been relocated to Site-062's containment wing. CSD-56321 has been assigned to keep RPC-013 in his cell and is hereby expected to use RPC-013 during daily "stress relief" sessions.
Should CSD-56321 expire, he is to be immediately replaced by a CSD candidate who shares a similar psychological profile.
RPC-013 was last spotted in orbit over the Earth's Northeastern hemisphere.
As of 05/05/2011, the object has not manifested its tychokinetic properties and appears to be self-contained. Site-019 has been assigned to monitor RPC-013 and MST Whiskey-7 ("Space Force") is to remain on standby in the event that a retrieval effort is required.
RPC-013 is currently held in Dr. Crane's office on Site-066's psychiatric wing.
RPC-013 is to be kept on Dr. Crane's desk during regular operating hours and is to be used at least once every 48 hours. All CSD candidates who meet with Dr. Crane for evaluations are required to make use of RPC-013's stress-relieving properties in order to facilitate the orientation process.
Non-CSD staff stationed at Site-066 are also encouraged to make use of RPC-013's stress-relieving properties as needed. Outside of regular operating hours, RPC-013 is to be stored within a maximum security safe inside Dr. Crane's office.
Description:
RPC-013 (previously designated LO-221) refers to a series of anomalous toys distributed by Amazing! Co. Instances of RPC-013 are comprised of an indestructible elastomer material and come in a variety of colors and shapes, usually no larger than 7cm in diameter. Despite the inconsistency in their appearance, all instances of RPC-013 are marketed as stress relief aids.
The Authority is currently in possession of (1) instance of RPC-013. This particular instance has displayed 2 anomalous properties which appear to manifest independently from each other:
1. RPC-013's primary anomalous properties manifest when it is used in a manner similar to a stress ball. When an individual who is experiencing significant distress takes hold of RPC-013 and squeezes it, the object will "absorb" all negative emotions, effectively altering the individual's mindset and placing them in a more optimistic mood. RPC-013 has thus far shown itself capable of temporarily treating social anxiety, post-traumatic stress, and chronic depression.
At this time, RPC-013's therapeutic effects appear to be solely beneficial and no negative side effects have been documented. It should be noted that excessive usage of RPC-013 will often lead to a small percentage of individuals developing a dependence on it. This dependency is most prominent among individuals who suffer from addictive compulsions and is not related to RPC-013's anomalous effects.
2. RPC-013's secondary anomalous effects manifest when the object's primary stress-relieving properties are neglected for a prolonged period of time. Should RPC-013 go unused for longer than 48-hours, the object will begin to deliberately manipulate probability in order to create circumstances which might induce stress in any individuals present. These circumstances will typically range between benign inconveniences to large scale disasters and will actively persist until at least one stressed individual uses RPC-013 as intended.
Anecdotal evidence suggests that the lethality rate of these circumstances rises in proportion to the amount of time that RPC-013 goes unused, with the object's range of influence capable of expanding indefinitely. To date, the only proven method that can prevent RPC-013's tychokinetic properties from manifesting requires consistent usage by one or more individuals who are experiencing stress.
Acquisition:
RPC-013 was delivered directly to Site-007 through as-of-yet unknown means. On the morning of 08/14/2010, custodial staff witnessed a package bearing the Amazing! Co. logo suddenly materialize inside a bathroom stall within one of Site-007's lavatories. An initial inspection of the package's exterior revealed no anomalous properties and after unboxing its contents, RPC-013 was discovered inside along with a "Thank You" letter and a mail-order catalogue featuring various Amazing! Co. products, including RPC-013.
[Sic throughout]
Dear esteemed CUSTOMER,
Thank you for being a loyal patron of the Amazing! Co. family brand!
You have MANY Amazing! Co. product in your possession in this moment! Wow! Bravo! Hats off to you, CUSTOMER! You are truly a loyal patron and loyalty deserves reward. Yes. That is why we have decided to ENROLL you, CUSTOMER, in the newly formed Amazing! Co. CUSTOMER LOYALTY PROGRAM™
What is Amazing! Co. CUSTOMER LOYALTY PROGRAM™ you ask? You will LOVE!
From now until DEATH, we will send you sample of NEW PRODUCT! Yes, that is right. You, CUSTOMER, will get to try NEW PRODUCT for FREE! This year's FREE sample is STRESS BUDDY™ from the Amazing! Co. STRESS-🐝BEE🐝-GONE™ product line. We know you work hard. We can SEE your hairs are turning more grey each day from all the stress! So please let STRESS BUDDY™ help you. Simply take the STRESS BUDDY™ and hold in hand and SQUEEZE and let all your bad vibe melt away.
We hope you enjoy this product like we enjoy your LOYALTY.
(ɴᴏᴛᴇ: sᴛʀᴇss ʙᴜᴅᴅʏ™️ ᴛᴀʀɢᴇᴛs ᴡʜᴇɴ ʏᴏᴜ ᴀʀᴇ ᴍᴏsᴛ ᴠᴜʟɴᴇʀᴀʙʟᴇ. sᴛʀᴇss ʙᴜᴅᴅʏ™️ ɪs ᴍᴇᴀɴᴛ ᴛᴏ ʜᴇʟᴘ ʀᴇʟɪᴇᴠᴇ sᴛʀᴇss ᴄᴀᴜsᴇᴅ ʙʏ ʀᴇɢᴜʟᴀʀ ᴜsᴀɢᴇ ᴏf sᴛʀᴇss ʙᴜᴅᴅʏ™️)
*ᴮʸ ᵃᵍʳᵉᵉᶦⁿᵍ ᵗᵒ ᵃᶜᶜᵉᵖᵗ ᵗᵒ ᵘˢᵉ ˢᵀᴿᴱˢˢ ᴮᵁᴰᴰʸ™ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃˡˢᵒ ᵃᶜᶜᵉᵖᵗ ᵗᵒ ᵗᵃᵏᵉ ᶠᵘˡˡ ᵒⁿ ˡᶦᵃᵇᶦˡᶦᵗʸ ᵒᶠ ᵃⁿʸ ᵇᵃᵈ ᵗʰᶦˢ ᶦᵗᵉᵐ ᵐᵃʸ ᶜᵃᵘˢᵉ. ᴬᵐᵃᶻᶦⁿᵍᵎ ᶜᵒ. ᶦˢ ⁿᵒᵗ ˡᶦᵃᵇˡᵉ ᶠᵒʳ ᵃⁿʸ ᶦⁿʲᵘʳᶦᵉˢ, ᵈᵉˢᵖᵃᶦʳ, ᵐᵃⁿᶦᵃ, ᵒʳ ᵈᵉᵃᵗʰ ᶜᵃᵘˢᵉᵈ ᵇʸ ᵃⁿʸ ᵒᶠ ᶦᵗˢ ᵖʳᵒᵈᵘᶜᵗˢ. ᴾˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᵘˢᵉ ʳᵉˢᵖᵒⁿˢᶦᵇˡʸ.
An advertisement featuring RPC-013, taken from Page 1553 of the catalogue:
[Sic throughout]
Incident Logs
| CONFIDENTIAL INCIDENT REPORT |
INCIDENT #: 013-016-1
LOCATION: Site-016
INCIDENT DATE: 11/30/2010
OBSERVED BY: Site-016 staff
INCIDENT DETAILS: Following the relocation of RPC-013 to Site-016, several staff members noted an inexplicable increase in "accidents" that occurred while working on the eastern wing of the facility where the object was housed. The first recorded incident involved Researcher Creed spilling coffee over his lap while completing inventory duties, resulting in 2nd degree burns. This incident was followed by a series of similar occurrences, with a notable number of staff members suffering on-the-job injuries while operating within the eastern wing.
On 11/30/2010, at approximately 0900 hours, part of Site-016's eastern wing was destroyed by an explosion which resulted in ██ staff members being severely injured and █ anomalous objects being damaged. A follow-up investigation found that the explosion was caused by a previously undetected gas leak adjacent to RPC-013's storage unit. Despite the notable damage to Site-016's eastern wing, RPC-013's storage unit remained unaffected by the explosion.
AFTERMATH: Due to the fact that its storage unit remained intact, site administration suspected RPC-013 of having unaccounted tychokinetic properties. Object reclassified as greater anomaly and transported to Site-062 for additional testing.
NOTES: Good riddance. I knew there was something off about that butt-ugly thing. Leave it to Amazing! Co. to create a stress ball that literally creates stress! Keep it the HELL away from us, PLEASE.
- Dr. Wells
| CONFIDENTIAL INCIDENT REPORT |
INCIDENT #: 013-062-1
LOCATION: Site-062
INCIDENT DATE: 01/26/2011
OBSERVED BY: Col. Finnlayson
INCIDENT DETAILS: CSD-56321 was assigned to keep RPC-013 in his cell and tasked with using the object during daily stress relief sessions. These sessions were initially successful and RPC-013's secondary tychokinetic abilities did not manifest during this time. On the 12th day of his scheduled sessions, CSD-56321 claimed to have achieved a sense of "emotional enlightenment" and no longer felt the need to use RPC-013. Despite these claims, CSD-56321 was instructed to continue using RPC-013.
On the day of his 16th session, CSD-56321 failed to respond when security personnel attempted to retrieve him from his cell. Upon entering CSD-56321's cell, security personnel discovered that CSD-56321 had expired overnight. An autopsy would later reveal that CSD-56321 had succumbed to carbon monoxide poisoning, caused by external emissions that had leaked into his cell through an air duct. No other parts of the facility were effected.
AFTERMATH: Following CSD-56321's expiration, Site-062 elected CSD-75542 to serve as RPC-013's new host. However, RPC-013 was misplaced before it could be transferred into CSD-75542's care. A thorough search of Site-062 was performed but Authority personnel were unable to locate RPC-013. It is believed that RPC-013's tychokinetic properties were responsible for causing █ containment breaches on Site-062 during this time.
RPC-013 was located a month later, after a communication satellite launched from Site-062 unexpectedly detonated shortly after reaching the thermospehere. RPC-013 was spotted amidst the satellite debris and appeared to be trapped within Earth's orbit.
NOTES: I won't mince words. The boys really shat the bed on this one. Now we got an unpredictable anomaly freely moving about in space. The Site Director's pissing himself as I write this. Space is beyond our jurisdiction. We'll let the moon cadets deal with this. Good luck.
- Col. Finnlayson
| CONFIDENTIAL INCIDENT REPORT |
INCIDENT #: 013-019-1
LOCATION: Earth's orbit, Northeastern Hemisphere
INCIDENT DATE: 05/19/2011
OBSERVED BY: Site-009 staff, Site-019 staff
INCIDENT DETAILS: RPC-013 remained in orbit at approximately 405 km above sea level, moving at a consistent speed of 16656.71 kph. Several chunks of space debris gathered around RPC-013 during this time, creating a "halo" around the object. RPC-013 remained in this state for several months without any notable incidents, leading observing researchers to believe that RPC-013 had managed to self-contain itself.
On the early morning of 05/19/2011, a spontaneous geomagnetic storm would cause a large scale blackout over the majority of Northern Russia, including Site-009. This solar storm also caused radio communication systems to malfunction over most of the Asian continent, leading to the disruption of Authority operations. Unlike previously recorded geomagnetic phenomena, this event appeared to last for an indefinite period of time and its effective range continued to expand at a gradual pace. This prompted Authority assets to launch an investigation which would lead to the discovery of RPC-013 at the epicenter of the disturbance.
AFTERMATH: After extensive deliberation, MST Whiskey-7 ("Space Force") was granted permission to use RPC-███ as a means to temporarily contain RPC-013. The retrieval team was successful in extracting RPC-013 and the geomagnetic storm dissipated shortly after the object's acquisition. RPC-013 was promptly transported to Site-019 before being extradited to Site-███ for further evaluation.
NOTES: Object remains undamaged despite being exposed to the harsh conditions of space. It still works too, I gave it a few squeezes. I was ready to rip my hair out from frustration. Definitely feeling better after using it. No accidents either. Maybe the best way to contain this thing is to just use it. Everyone gets stressed. Pass it around. Occam's Razor and all that.
- Dr. Shen
| CONFIDENTIAL INCIDENT REPORT |
INCIDENT #: 013-066-1
LOCATION: Site-066
INCIDENT DATE: 10/11/2011
OBSERVED BY: Dr. Crane
INCIDENT DETAILS: I am filing this report per the request of Site Director ████. RPC-013 has been successfully integrated into Site-066's CSD orientation program. Between the constant influx of new CSD recruits who come into my office for preliminary evaluations and the veteran personnel who visit me as part of their bi-yearly review, there is no shortage of stress. Suffice to say, keeping RPC-013 in my office and regularly using it as a therapeutic device appears to be serving well as a means of containment.
I've read all the incident reports and it's still hard to believe that a simple stress ball could create so much mayhem. It's even more difficult to believe that such a destructive object can be contained by such simple means. But I digress. There are no incidents to report in regards to RPC-013's current arrangement. As long as we maintain the status quo, we'll be fine.
AFTERMATH: CSD personnel are quite fond of RPC-013. Permitting new candidates to use it has proven to be quite effective in facilitating the transition into their new role. It's much easier (and cheaper) than tranquilizers.
NOTES: By the way, is this thing animate? Previous reports don't mention anything about it but I swear I've caught it smiling at me. Maybe I'm just overworked.
- Dr. Crane
