Complaint Box




As per popular demand, the complaints from the complaint box will be transcribed and posted in all break rooms biweekly.

Please submit your complaints with this format and separated by a horizontal line:

Name: (You can leave it blank if you wish to remain anonymous.)
Site Assigned:
Date Submitted: (DD/MM/YYYY)

Rank: Janitor
Site assigned: Site-014
Date Submitted: 19/07/2018
Complaint: Alright, this is less of a complaint, but I understand some wacky shit goes on here, but I need to know… is Bigfoot real?

Name: Magenta Almeida
Position: Head Researcher
Site Assigned: Site-002
Date Submitted: 02/05/1959
Complaint: RPC-049 is taking up space in the break room's sofa. I mean, it's basically a ghost that doesn't need rest, right?

Name: Jason Lutter
Position: Researcher
Site Assigned: Site-013
Date submitted: 02/03/2018
Complaint: One of these perverts got a hold of my computer and downloaded porn on it. Not cool.

Name: ██████ ██
Position: Senior Researcher
Site Assigned: Site-004
Date submitted: 20/05/2016
Complaint: I think we should revise 006's protocols because I saw it bullying some of the staff in the cafetorium for their lunch money.

Name: Abdul Muhamed
Position: Janitor
Site Assigned: Site-014
Date submitted: 13/04/2018
Complaint: Some scientist was begging everyone to get to 002 it was really annoying but when he managed to get to 002 he killed himself the stench was unbearable.

Name: Jonathan Jones
Position: Junior Scientist
Site Assigned: Site-016
Date submitted: 23/06/2018
Complaint: Every time I get a phone call there just this one guy trying to give me business deals and it's really annoying.

Name: Deus Vulte
Position: Head Researcher
Site Assigned: Site-001
Date submitted: 01/04/2008
Complaint: The next person to come into my office wearing knight armor shouting 'Deus vult!' is going to try and take on 470 with a Segway and a lance unless you address it first.

Name: Philmore Brown
Position: Assistant Researcher
Site Assigned: Site-002
Date Submitted: 3/19/2003
Complaint: Barney keeps e-mailing me suggestive pictures of RPC-228-ARC as a woman. Can you please make him stop? Now I can't stop thinking about how I want to [DATA EXPUNGED] that pumpkin. I know 228-ARC is a guy! I'm not gay!

Yes you are.

- Site Director ██████

Name: Ruslan Tursynbekov
Position: Senior Researcher
Site Assigned: Site-002
Date Submitted: 2/7/2018
Complaint: Goddamn Petersen! He wants to use 556's blood to pull a prank on Delacroix. First of all, the guy is in his 70's, cut him some slack, but most importantly, that gunk is dangerous! Someone, please issue Petersen some amnestics.

Name: Bryce Alaric
Position: Senior Researcher
Site Assigned: Site-002
Date Submitted: 25/8/20██
Complaint: One of the security staff smuggled in a cake for RPC-016-5. This has been the third year in a row. I am requesting a full investigation and the removal of the guard responsible.

Name: Addison Assange
Position: MST X-Ray-6 "Annulifiers" Commander
Site Assigned: Site-002
Date Submitted: 19/02/2018
Complaint: Our current issued VTOL Mk. I tend to make strange loud noises when going supersonic. Can we have a replacement?

It's called a sonic boom.

- Aeronautic Engineer Ackermann.

Name: Heinrik Eriksson
Position: Researcher
Site Assigned: OL-Site-3275
Date Submitted: 12/6/2005
Complaint: One of the delusional CSD personnel broke free and wanted to "Go on a hunting trip with 470-1." Once we pull him out of those bear-infested woods, maybe we will send him in on a test. I have to propose it to Delacroix.

Name: John Bodmerstein
Position: ASF Security
Site Assigned: Site-074
Date Submitted: 15/08/1984
Complaint: Fucking Daniel from class B somehow got 120 and kept telling me to read it while I was on break telling me he took it from Rebecca and that it was her secret diary. Someone, please fire him and all guards in charge of securing 120.

Name: Lisa Roth
Position: Janitor
Site Assigned: Site-002
Date submitted: 05/08/2018
Complaint: Every now and then I hear a humming from 228-ARC's chamber. It scares me.

Name: Anne Ferriday
Position: Head Researcher
Site Assigned: OL-Site-██
Date submitted: 03/07/2017
Complaint: Someone keeps putting up easter egg hunt posters on the wall at 133. If this keeps up, we're going to have kids and adults actually killing each other for chocolate. Can someone please deal with this?

Name: Roland Andrews
Position: Head Researcher
Site Assigned: Site-002
Date Submitted: 09/12/1968
Complaint: RPC-049 accidentally archived my unfinished report on RPC-105. The guys at archive have no clue where it is. Can we have a quality control for 049?

Name: Julien Delacroix
Position: Senior Researcher
Site Assigned: Site-002
Date Submitted: 07/05/2007
Complaint: The next person to make erotica of RPC-228-ARC is getting either a chance to play with 371 for an extended period or an all expenses paid vacation to OL-Site 3275. That's all I have to say.

Name: Vanessa Hardgrave
Position: Site Director
Site Assigned: Agricultural Research Site-043
Date Submitted: 02/04/2017
Complaint: Platypi are not anomalous unless you recite the right incantation around them, and even then we're pretty sure it's the incantation that's the anomalous thing and not the platypus. I know they're weird, I know they lay eggs and that's also weird, but please stop capturing them and shipping them here. They're very endangered and it's getting expensive to send them back to Australia.

Name: Tintin Jerker
Position: Researcher
Site Assigned: Site-074
Date Submitted: 06/01/2009
Complaint: It's the tenth time I get my damn complaint removed and I'm starting to think it's because of my last name and, for your information, it's a swedish last name pronounced "kerr" and neither does it have to do with masturbation nor with being a jerk. Also, Jonathan from security keeps telling other employees I'm adopted.

Name: Hans Draveek
Position: Researcher
Site Assigned: Site-021
Date Submitted: 11/4/2012
Complaint: A message to all staff at Site-21: The next person who taunts RPC-315-A with plastic gold coins will be terminated. With a Gamma anomaly who has been shown to possess reality-bending abilities, we must be extremely serious - and picking on him is not helping matters. I am still recovering from the Shillelagh beatings.

EDIT: No chocolate coins either. Saying you are attempting to reward RPC-315 for good behavior is not going to work.

- Researcher Hans Draveek

Name: Timour Spalding
Position: Senior Researcher
Site Assigned: Site-004
Date Submitted: 12/9/14
Complaint: Someone changed my assigned RPC to RPC-914, probably knowing what happened to Dr. Kendrick. I demand the search and detention of this individual now.

Name: James Grey
Position: Researcher
Site Assigned: Site-079
Date Submitted: 04/12/2007
Complaint: For 5 weeks now, someone has been leaving me pictures of chip bags opened from the bottom. They're on my desk, they're on my bed, and they're in my coffee. I can't work, I can't sleep, I can't think and I just want it to stop. I want them found, and dealt with.

You'll never catch me James.

Position: Janitor
Site Assigned: Site-███
Date Submitted: 2/30/2018
Complaint: RPC-228-ARC and Dr. ███ have been going into the janitors' closet a lot recently. They said they were just "looking for something to clean up a spill." Honestly, I wouldn't care otherwise, but my broom is always sticky after they're done.

Name: ██████ ██████
Position: Researcher
Site Assigned: Site-███
Date Submitted: 12/06/2007
Complaint: Dr. Molasses has been changing the combination to my office for the past month. I didn't say anything at first, but after a week I told him to stop. He continues to do it anyway. I have to get up earlier just to beat him to my office, otherwise, I can't get work done. Is this anyway for a Senior Researcher to act.

Name: Deus Vulte
Position: Head Researcher
Site Assigned: Site-001
Date Submitted: 06/09/2018
Complaint: Someone keeps playing god-awful rock music as soon as I exit my office, and now it's stuck in my head! Something about the gates of Hell, who knows. For the love of God, if this continues I'm going to grab the crusader armor off of that one idiot a couple of decades ago and start rampaging around with whatever is closest, be it RPC or broomstick!
scribbled on the other side No I am not a crusader, either!

Name: Bejo Sutrimbil
Position: Researcher
Site Assigned: Site-008
Date Submitted: ██/██/2018
Complaint: Whoever's in charge of the canteen must stop it with placing these opened RPC-188 seed packets around the place and then serving lotus seed buns for lunch! I'm tired of analyzing lotus seeds and then finding out they're normal!

Name: ██████ Zimmer
Position Researcher
Site assigned Unknown.
Date submitted 26/09/2001
Complaint RPC-007 will not stop telling me tree puns, He told me to "make like a tree and leave" when I told him he will never travel since he has no legs, and those true arboreal doctors "graduate from elemen-tree school" and have the last name "oak". These puns make me want to "stick" my head in a guillotine. Oh shit, they're contagious.

Name: Dietrich Von Lowenherz
Position: Researcher
Site Assigned: Site-002
Date Submitted: 9/5/1945
Complaint: Everyone is calling me a Nazi and yelling at me about how "GERMANY LOST, NAZI!" First of all, the Nazis committed atrocities and I would never side with them. And second of all, I am not German, I am Swiss!

Learn to take a joke, hardass.

- Security Officer Yuri Dimitrov

Name: Dr.██████
Position: Medical Personnel
Site Assigned: Site-074
Date Submitted: 30/10/20██
Complaint: Replacing my pen flashlight with disguised glyph emitter is not funny. And saying that it’s just a prank ‘bro’ is not doing you or my perception of your intelligence any favor.
I have people affected with all kinds of memetic/cognito hazards and the last thing I need is a researcher who thinks he’s a transgender satellite!

Name: Amy Patrickson
Position: Senior Researcher
Site Assigned: Site-002
Date Submitted: 07/11/██
Complaint: Whoever hacked into my dream journal, publishing it publicly is exceedingly messed up, that was private! And to all you assholes poking fun at me for them, FUCK YOU.

Name: John P. Wilson
Position: Lab assistant
Site Assigned: Site-042
Date Submitted: 02/04/2017
Complaint: Dr. ████████ decided to imitate a containment breach with his lab assistants for April fools and I almost had a coronary. They even had Lee burn that fake ████████████ with a flamethrower! Is that allowed for April fools? If so I have some ideas for the next one.

Na██: ███████
█████ion: ███████
Si██ ██████ned: ███████
Da██ █ubmitted: ████████
C███laint: Wh█████████ is maki█████round shake? i ke██ sp████ing black in█ all ██er my reports! ██████████████████Goddamnit!

Name: Charlotte Bains
Position: Agent
Site Assigned: Site-090
Date Submitted: (02/06/2018)
Complaint: The next person to call me "armless" or make similar puns is going to find what an angry Scotswoman with Authority combat training can do with a pen and one arm. That means You James. Don't think I didn't figure out who kept leaving those "Hang In There" posters all over my door. And no, I'm still not allowed to tell you what happened so stop asking.

Name: Deus Vulte
Position: Head Researcher
Site Assigned: Site-001
Date Submitted: 04/08/2017
Complaint: Whoever shot my desk with paper out of RPC-002, wrote out multiple Bible scriptures on it then ripped it apart… How? And more importantly, why? Do you know how difficult it is to have to get a desk in this place?

Name: Unknown (Complaint from Swedish CBRN unit, Submitted by Anonymous MST Unit)
Position: (See Above)
Site Assigned: OL-Site 834
Date Submitted: 1/11/2011
Complaint: Can someone get rid of the giant corpse now? The stench is so bad I can smell it through my gas mask. Even the hornets avoid the corpse.

Name: Bejo Sutrimbil
Position: Researcher
Site Assigned: Site-008
Date Submitted: ██/██/2018
Complaint: To anyone who admits to replacing the canteen's soybean packaging with RPC-188 seed packaging: I will find you. And then I will [REDACTED] far up your [REDACTED] so much that no amount of memory-erasing protocol done to you will make you forget.

P.S. This also goes to whoever keeps putting red food coloring on the soybeans.

Name: Karl Rüppell
Position: Lead Researcher
Site Assigned: Site-███
Date Submitted: ██/██/2018
Complaint: I'm recieving an unhealthy amount of requests to test or modify RPC-277 in order to give RPC-228-ARC "gorgeous looking japanese high-schooler hair". I keep denying requests but they don't stop, is there some memetic effect I'm missing?

It will totally help all mankind, please believe us.
- Dr. Vega

Name: Nadia Vallotton
Position: MST Echo-7 Corporal
Site Assigned: Site-002
Date Submitted: 01/01/2018
Complaint: Jesus Christ. When I was invited for the New Year's party, I should not have came. Some asshole decided to bring tho two feuding researchers. What a killjoy. At least they had fun. Not only that, that Petersen asshole shot me in head twice! Injuries still hurt, they just don't kill! I'll kick his ass when I come back.

Name: Researcher Cameron Nicholas, Sergeant Harrison Carter
Position: Junior Researcher, MST Operative
Site Assigned: Site-002
Date Submitted: 11/02/1999
Complaint: The air con at Sub-Level 7 doesn't seem to be working. It's at full blast and it's still hotter than the fucking Sahara in here. Did someone put a heater in one of the item lockers?

Name: Dr. Stannum Yeung
Position: Senior Researcher
Site Assigned: Site-038
Date Submitted: 11/11/1998
Complaint: For the past day, I have been doing nothing but pouring liquid nitrogen on this bloody alarm clock. I really need someone to take over.

Name: Dr. Deus Vulte
Position: Head Researcher
Site Assigned: Site-001
Date Submitted: 24/05/1988
Complaint: Whoever is calling me Neo Dietrich or Supreme Crusader in the toilet stalls… be warned, I didn't study gene therapy for [REDACTED] and [REDACTED]. If Security doesn't find you, I will.
You should run to Security if you don't want to see your penis [REDACTED] and your hair recede.

Jesus Christ, whoever combined the Nazi and Crusader joke, just step forward. He's started pulling equipment out of archives. I don't even know where he got permission to do that!

- Researcher █.

Name: Satoru Izuhara
Position: Technological Maintenance
Site Assigned: Site-002
Date Submitted: 13/09/2018
Complaint: Riddle me this. Why are all of our cameras from the 1980’s and 1990’s? If we have more funding than the United States government, why can we not get new cameras? I just don’t get it.

Name: Rosana Eliste
Position: Senior Research Investigator
Site Assigned: Site-074
Date Submitted: 26/10/2018
Complaint: I get being in the Halloween spirit, I really do. And I know we got Containment to do the decorations this year, but you guys must stop feeding the CSD so much candy. We have had three of them vomit this week alone. One of them had eaten all the wrappers as well so don't try to tell me that it wasn't candy. This is throwing off our test results and it's unacceptable.

Name: Matei Stefanescu
Position: ASF Private
Site Assigned: Site-002
Date Submitted: 17/02/2013
Complaint: I think my Shrike MG is faulty. It keeps jamming even when I clean it multiple times. There's also a weird odor from inside.
UPDATE: It was nothing major, just that pumpkin thing trying to get my attention. One of his vines got stuck in the receiver.

Name: Dr. Herschel Gibbins
Position: Lead researcher
Site Assigned: Site-016
Date Submitted: 17/12/2018
Complaint: I can't ever get any sleep! Someone from administration needs to put these MST hooligans in their place, and maybe take away their damn private party boat!

Position: Janitor
Site Assigned: Site-002
Date Submitted: (23/12/2018)
Complaint: The pizza tastes terrible. Bring back the lasagna.

Name: Kevin Smith
Position: I.T
Site Assigned: Site-008
Date Submitted: (1/1/2019)
Complaint: Someone with no talent keeps unnecessarily starting up all the computers no one uses and drawing di██s. Whose been drawing ██ck█?! Stop this!

Name: Harold ████
Position: Head Researcher
Site Assigned at time of Compalint: Site-074
Date Submitted: (11/2/2019)
Complaint: I swear the next researcher to doubt my ways will be ███████, I know what I'm doing. I don't you need lecturing me on the ethics of "Containing sapient RPCS", I've f█cked around with sh██ like this more than you have. I'll ask for your opinion when I need it!

Name: Malvyn
Position: RPC-228-ARC
Site Assigned: Uhh
Date Submitted: Tuesday
Complaint: Please help. Kim has been taking me into the closet and doing uncomfortable things to me with a broom… Make her stop.

Name: Dr. Eric R. Driscoll
Position: Senior Researcher
Site Assigned: Site-002
Date Submitted: 17/4/2019
Complaint: Can we have security cameras in the Site-002 garage, plus some more space for other vehicles? People have been trying to hot-wire my car.

Name: Horace Blue
Position: CSD supervisor
Site Assigned: Site-002
Date Submitted: 20/4/2019
Complaint: STO

Position: Senior Researcher
Site Assigned: Site-01
Complaint: Who gave the new Biology head

Name: Dr. Anders Sivertsen
Position: Researcher
Site Assigned: Site-014
Date Submitted: 14/5/2014
Complaint: Yeah, I don't think I'm going to be working here any longer. Don't really feel safe with a nuke in the wall.

Name: dr good scientist
Position: researchre
Site Assigned: site number two hundred and seventy nine
Date Submitted: now
Complaint: hello yes i cant get in to security room even though i am dr good scientist yes you can trust me why cant i get in pleas e let me in thank you

Name: Dr. Perrin T
Position: Senior Researcher
Site Assigned: OL-Site-██
Date Submitted: 15/07/2019
Complaint: Can we please some sort of restriction on harassing to the paleontology unit about the theories on what the Loch Ness Monster really is, or what pre-historic ape Bigfoot is? I am so tired of it.

Are any of the correct?

- Sgt. ████████ ██████

Name: Dr. Magnu
Position: Senior Researcher
Site Assigned: Site-015
Date Submitted: 1/8/19
Complaint: Please tell Dr. Silar that he owes me a new casserole and ensure he is reprimanded for mishandling the break room's microwave.

Name: Travis Bellmore
Position: Site-095 Director of Anomaly Containment
Site Assigned: Site-095
Date Submitted: 11/11/2018
Complaint: Can site maintenance repair the damages in Deep Storage? 575 was moved out 5 years ago and there's still flooding in some places. It was deep enough to submerge my knees once. We're containing exploding whale flesh constructs and barnacles that could sterilize all life on Earth down here, I think these repairs should be a little higher priority.

Name: Joseph Michaels.
Position: Secretary For GD-██.
Site Assigned:[CLASSIFIED]
Date Submitted: 10/22/2019
Complaint: I as well as my fellow Directorate Secretaries would like to ask all personnel below level 4 Classification to please refrain from asking about, attempting to contact, or otherwise seek out members of the Global Directorate. The Directorate is very busy administrative body that must only be called upon when absolutely necessary. To be frank, no, there's nothing overly secretive about them as people, but the work that they do is. They just want to perform their duty to their fullest and they don't need everyone from junior researchers to ASF personnel breathing down their necks about it.

Name: Marice Fernandez
Position: Janitor
Site Assigned: Site-002
Date Submitted: 25/10/2019
Complaint: The plumbing system for the heavy containment wing of the site broke; now the toilets turn into fucking firehoses when flushed. We've been forced to shit into paper bags, and I have been forced to collect them in the garbage disposal. Please send the plumbers down here before I die from the stench.

Name: Dr. Avery
Position: Research Lead
Site assigned: Site-017
Date submitted: 12/09/2020
Complaint: Nobody let Pepé anywhere near a pair of scissors. He’s been joking for days about a fur coat made from the down of an RPC-411 instance, and I’m scared he might actually take it seriously one day. We haven’t even looked into how deep it is or if it grows back, and even if we do it’s still borderline abusive.

Name: John Wallace
Position: Junior Researcher
Site Assigned: Site-074
Date Submitted: (22/5/2021)
Complaint: Ok I knew that the budget cuts where not going to be pretty, but seriously? ONE PLY toilet paper? Do you expect us to put up with this?

Name: Carl Wells
Position: Janitor
Site assigned: Site-002
Date submitted: 4/9/2020
Complaint: No one takes me seriously because my name is Carl

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